Egos & Politics - Welcome to Oz!

I have to deviate from my normal musings on my blog to address an irritation of mine that is increasing intensely as the election day draws closer.  I tire of the naivety of people and the persistent need they have to separate their feelings from reality.  Namely, there are two options for president this election cycle: Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump.  For some reason, people have decided that the two of them are equivalent.  Not sure how that is possible given Hillary has been a key figure in every scandal within D.C. since Watergate where she was fired for ethics and left the Republican party.

People state that Trump is a Nazi, given that Nazi's were socialists that sought government oversight and control - not sure how that works either.  Maybe they are trying to state that he is a white supremacist because he wants to enforce America's sovereignty and is stating the same things that got Bill Clinton a standing ovation in the 90's.  I don't know, because apparently I am a mindless droid without a conscious given I will be voting for Trump.

If I were to adhere to the accusations levied against my fellow Trump voters (whether directly or indirectly) then I am a racist, homophobic, bigot that hates immigration and everything decent in life.  But hey, I've been told that business people are just greedy and the root of all evil in America anyway, so I guess I'm just being consistent!

If only I had a Heart!

I mean, if I had a heart, I could fall for false quotes made before a man was called as a prophet and can't be verified by anyone other than the man claiming he heard it.  For anyone not a Mormon - I am referring to the alleged quote that if you vote for the lesser of the two evils, you are still voting for evil.  This was allegedly stated by one of our prophets before he became a prophet, which means that even if he had stated it - it isn't doctrine.

The statement ignores the logical fallacy, which if true, indicates that there are always 1 good and 1 evil option in each presidential race.  Naturally, I will go to Hell if I cannot discern between the two and don't abstain from voting when there are two evil options running.  Of course, if I had a heart - I could feel out what to do when there are two good options as well...

Then, regardless of outcome, I could feel gleefully well of myself for surrendering my influence regarding who my leader is!  Oh the happy feelings - if only I had a heart...

If only I had a Brain!

If I had a brain, I could concoct a method of securing the presidential office of a democratic republic without the democratic part!  Oh yeah, that would prove elections are not corrupt or rigged at all!  I mean, if some guy with a classified past, no major endorsements or accomplishments wins with most voters not even knowing who he is - it will prove that the "will of the people" has won, right?

I could also realize that accusations of a public figure, weeks before election and years / decades since they occurred, prove his guilt with no need of due process!  Because America, of course!  I mean, people never accuse public figures with ulterior motives...

Of course, Trump may be guilty.  I would be willing to state he has done some morally bad things in his life.  I would also be willing to say that of everyone.  But, since I don't have a brain, I can't figure out that to constitutionally qualify for the presidency, a person must pass a set of religious & moral exams first - because equality.  Only those that are equal understand this principle, which brainless people such as myself complicate things by stating that not everyone thinks like me!

Naturally, if I had a brain, I could also find a way to reason out how my abstinence from main stream candidates had no impact in the election as well.  I mean, with the super delegates voting for Hillary (15% of her delegates already in the bag) and conspiring to throw the vote to the House (not the one right now, the one that will be in effect next year - so no one knows who will actually be there yet) clearly has no impact!

If only I had Courage! 

Only the truly courageous understand that it is brave to stand with what is popular - per the media.  Because, the non-stop barrage of things Trump does is clearly more news-worthy than what Clinton does.  I don't hear anyone talking about Hillary anymore, all I hear is anti-Trump comments.  There is this overall atmosphere where anyone voting for Trump is committing a heinous crime.  Comments expressing the moral high road of not voting for him imply heavily the moral deficiency of people such as myself that will be voting for him.

The statements I have seen against Trump voters are rather obscene and I won't post the examples that come to mind with that statement on my blog.  Regardless, the mentality of disagreeing with Trump for president is not based on political discussions, no, it is based on the debasement of those that support him.  If only I was courageous, I would understand that going with the flow, taking the easy way of stating "Trump is EVIL!!" is much more brave than voting for the best of the two options presented to me.  Because, actually making a choice between the two options is clearly not as brave hitting the "other" button.

I aspire to teach my children that when you face a dilemma that you should start manufacturing alternatives - regardless of viability - so that you can avoid the pressure of stewardship and accountability.  That way they can be courageous and look back in disdain as to when I was on the wrong side of history!

Behind the Curtain:

Ultimately, there are no great and all powerful wizards that will come and eradicate our life's trials.  Even Christ, our Master and Savior, only offers a way through our trials - He will not remove them from us.  What I tire of, is this endless banter of insulting people for their choice in voting.  It seems we have replaced the rameumptom with a voting booth.

One candidate will not make or break this country - but a country full of fractured families and morals will.  Those that rise to the top as options for leadership are a result of what is valued in the country.  Rather than railing on each other, if what we see is that dire, we ought to extend the hand of fellowship to the opposing side, break bread together and seek to understand.

The healing cannot start, however, until we all wake up and realize that we are in this together.  It is more important that we unite as a people than continue to attack others for disagreeing with us.  

Manly Defined, Faithful

Previously, I posted about how "manly" is achieved with Soberness and by being Resolute.  This is the third and final post about how a man becomes sufficiently "manly" in order to fulfill the three P's (Provide, Preside & Protect).

Much of what men are revered for is their ability to fulfill duty - this is because the central purpose of manhood is to care for others.  A man that does not stretch and grow his ability to care for himself, his family and the others in his life is a man without respect.  The unspoken & unwritten expectation of service is missing and therefore the "man" will always be less than desired.

This is why, even if a man is Sober & Resolute, he must still be Faithful.  He must be true to himself, his family and his God.

Faithful to Self

As with all things in manhood - faithfulness begins with the ability to be true to self.  I was working out with my son the other day and I told him to a certain number of bicycle kicks for our abs set.  He finished in about a quarter of the time it ought to have taken him and so when my 2 minutes of misery were up, I asked him how many he had done.  He claimed to have done the requested number, so I took the opportunity to teach him a life lesson.

By him taking the shortcut in a workout, he would not be graded poorly and I wouldn't be able to prove he had cheated.  He could go through the workout with me pretending to exert himself and there would be no penalty.  No addition of chores, no lectures for poor performance, no denial of play time or any other lever my wife and I pull when the kids don't feel like doing their homework.  I explained to him that what would happen, however, is that he would never develop his body.  He would fail to learn how to subject his body to his will and he would not get stronger.

I asked him if he wanted to be strong like me, which he eagerly answered "yes".  That is when I told him that I didn't cheat in my workouts.  I never took a shortcut, I don't walk - I don't let up.  I push myself until I have either reached the predetermined count or the timer goes off.  I don't care if I puke, get dizzy or feel nauseous - my body is subjected to my will.

He thought about it for a minute and then laid down and finished his bicycle kicks.  For the rest of the workout period, he gave his all and produced a good sweat for the first time.  You could see his self confidence grow as he realized he could do more than what he had done in the past.

After that workout, he has been eager to continue exercising with me.  We'll see how long it continues, but he has achieved a key milestone on his way to manhood - being Faithful to himself.

Too often in life we decide to give ourselves a break because we are tired or we think we earned it.  I don't refute the idea of re-charging to ensure you are ready for the stress, but the concept of earning "breaks" is about the dumbest thing I have heard these metrosexual wannabes pretending to be men teach.  A man's goal should not be rest but accomplishment.  Accomplishment requires work and dedication.  If our inner drive is work hard to rest, then we will start cutting corners in our work.

This is the same for everything we have in life - if my goal is not to love and serve my wife, then selfish desires will rule the moments of stress in our marriage - which is a recipe for failure.

Stress has a great way of revealing what really matters, which is why we must know ourselves in advance of the dire moment.  If we are truly Faithful to self, then the review and inventory of desires and progress will provide accurate insight as to how our progression is coming along.

Faithful to Family

All men have families - even if they are not yet married, they come from one.  Many men build bonds of brotherhood as well - this is seen in the military, fire departments and other dangerous professions.  In the absence of these, there are fraternal organizations and other social areas - essentially, men are a social creature.  We value ourselves based on our ability to contribute to those we include in our lives.

All of these are admirable, but the cornerstone should be the emphasis a man places on his family.  Men ought to be focused on marrying and building their family as this is the crowning aspect of the three P's.  A man is faithful to his family while he is single by having the appropriate focus on preparing to care for one.  This should guide how the man dates, works and secures adequate income.

Once married, a man must be faithful to his wife.  This means he does not joke about her in a negative way - the old "ball & chain" or "the boss" terms reveal friction in what is to be the most dear relationship to a man.  Even if there is friction, a public audience is not appropriate.

This also includes his fidelity in thought.  Seeking fantasies and desires of other women - no matter how famous - is unacceptable behavior.  Many crass and loathsome people justify selfish desires for debauchery with select persons - their "hall pass" if you will - but this is not being faithful to your spouse.  A man must be above this and must not accept such behaviors from his wife.

Being faithful to other people includes setting rules of how they may treat you.  Without such clear communication, a man will develop distaste and irritation towards those in his life.  There will be a silent void filled with animosity that the man creates each time he is treated in a way that is inconsistent with what he desires.  This is why a man must clearly state what is expected from those in his life, cowardly silence in martyring of self is beneath manhood.

A man must also be faithful to his children.  This is achieved by his focus towards them - how does he spend his time and money?  Does he expend his scarce resources in the pursuit of individual interests, or does he devote his resources to those that depend on him?  I see many men with new phones and toys but their children are denied vacation time with them as they "cannot afford it".  I have also seen many kids with fancy toys yet lack the valued mentorship a father provides.

If a man is to be faithful to his family - he must invest all that he has in their betterment.  They must be the focus that drives his actions.

Faithful to God

The root word of Faithful is Faith, so it is an easy step to discuss how Faith in and towards God is the crowning aspect of becoming "manly".  Perhaps what is different by what I mean by this is what being Faithful to my Father means to me.  I do not view faith as some flippant emotion like the new age crap that is sold in many churches these days.  Faith in Christ is not some "self-help" guide, it is the stringent submission of will and action to our Savior and to the Father.

God, our Father, loves us not because we are good but because He is good.  He has given us this sacred opportunity to develop and grow ourselves sufficiently to return to His presence.  Naturally, this is beyond our pathetic abilities, so in His wisdom, He provided us a Savior, Jesus Christ.  Our Savior completed all the will of the Father, fulfilling His demands and became our new law giver.  The price of admission is simple - all that we have to give.

All that we have sounds like much to us in a material culture, but it really isn't that much.  Let us not forget that Christ created all that we have under the direction of the Father - there is nothing physical that They do not already own.  The only thing we truly own, is our birthright.  We are heirs of the God of all, with that comes the ability of free will.  The only thing that is ours, is only ours because of our Father and Savior - and it is the price we must pay: our agency.

To be Faithful to God means to bear his name with dignity.  Not as a mindless zealot shrieking at those that disbelieve or disagree, but as Christ did - with Resolute, Soberness.  We must not be ashamed or embarrassed of the actions required by God.  How insulting is it to parents when the children apologize to their friends over what the parents have demanded?  Now imagine how arrogant it is for us to apologize for what God has told us to do.  It is astounding how common place this is.

I see many yearn for life without rules, they find the disobedience of others to be appealing, much like Lot's wife did.  They reveal their intent with their forbidden desires.  To desire sin is to mock God, to apologize for obedience is to patronize Him.  To not seek His guidance and will is willful rebellion.  All of these are beneath a man of God.

For a man to be truly Faithful, he must study himself for broken desires and seek guidance from the Master in how to dismantle them.  Each day must be a sacrament to God in how the man focuses on his duties - ensuring that his wife and children will find faith in his example.

This is the capstone of being "manly" - a Sober mind, Resolutely engaged in being Faithful to self, family and God.  

Manly Defined, Resolute

This is the second post regarding how men become "manly" enough to achieve the three P's: Provide, Preside & Protect.  The three P's are what men do and I am trying to quantify how men become "manly" enough to achieve them.

In my first post about defining what "manly" is, I outlined how a man is of a sober mind.  It seems to be the most reasonable starting point as a man ought to understand how to connect with others.  That begins with the ability to be reasonable and in control of his faculties.

Once that is achieved, a man can change how others depend on him.  To be clear, it is required for a man to be depended upon - it is what we do.  As we Provide, Preside & Protect, we gather others under our umbrella of influence.  Which means it is not manly to be dependent.  Self sufficiency is an obvious milestone on the route to becoming a man.  As a boy grows into adolescence, his father should encourage him adventuring out and building his own kingdom.

If we are to be honest, that is what we men want - our own kingdom.  We want our claim in land and revenues to ensure our influence is felt and matters.  We want to have something for our wife to nurture.  This is part of being Resolute.

Resolute is to be admirably purposeful, determined and unwavering.  I see 4 aspects in which a man must be Resolute in his life: Body, Emotions, Mind & Spirit.

In Body

The most basic area of our life, the physical capsule by which we experience life.  As broken and frail as it is, our bodies are capable of amazing feats.  Historically, cultures had rites of passage for boys to become men - these varied extremely but all tended to revolve around overcoming pain and being physically capable.

Boys that were not capable of enduring pain were not worthy of manhood, likewise with those that were weak and unhealthy.  This goes back to the fulfillment of the three P's.  Whereas I am glad many of the rites are done away with, they prove the point that all societies have viewed a man as someone who had to be in control of their body.  Why, is the question.

To me, it begins with the concept of trust.  I will not take financial advice from a person with no assets, nor will I take shooting advice from someone who has only played Call of Duty.  A man that is Resolute in how he maintains his body shows that he has at least subverted the most basic common denominator we mortals have.  How can you trust someone to Protect you, to Provide for you or to Preside over you - if he has not done those things for himself?

If a man were to disregard his health and lose control of his body - he surrenders his will to the lowest common denominator of all humanity.  That is not a complimentary statement.

A man needs to be looked up to.  This begins with self control - something that cannot be faked.

With Emotions

Life is full of ups and downs.  I remember a key meeting a few years ago I was in as a consultant.  We hit a critical discussion with our client and our leadership stated that if things didn't change, they would end the deal.  The client was very upset and the meeting ended poorly.  Afterwards, I discussed it with my mentor (she was the one that told the client we would end the deal) and I had one question for her: was this normal?

Inside my head, thoughts were whirling around regarding my future employment but my mentor put me at ease by answering my question with a "yes".  The difference between her and I?  She was accustomed to how these type of deals went as opposed to what I was - a Marine Officer trying to figure out what everyone was saying.  In other words, experience.

Our emotions are this way as well.  I recall watching kids in high school listen to soundtracks and their moods would change from song to song.  I thought it pathetic then and I see no reason to change my mind.  With all that happens in life, a man must be Resolute with his emotions if he is to be dependable.

This will bring a calming presence to his sphere of influence - something that is needed at all points in life.  People make far too many stupid decisions because they are on an emotional high or low, they flippantly bounce from one to the other at a rate that makes the decisions seem almost logical.  I have heard many state "it was worth it!" as justification for a wretched choice.

As children develop and grow, they will have many confusing days and nights where they need a Resolute authority figure to anchor themselves to.  This is for the father.  As we live and experience life, we ought to learn how to be Resolute emotionally.  We must be stable and not allow the hiccups of routine occurrences impact our emotional state.  This will provide the security a man's children need, as does his wife and as those he leads in other aspects of life.

In Mind

Perhaps this is more difficult these days, I'm not sure.  True, we have more knowledge at our fingertips than ever before in the human experience, but we also are more easily distracted.  I watch the neighborhood kids cruise around with one hand on their bike / scooter and the other on their phone.

I have no idea what would be so fascinating for a 10 year old that would require such a constant fixation, but I see it all the time.  Same as when I travel - I once saw someone state we had less than a 5 minute wait at an airport and about half the line sat down and pulled out their phones.  It was eerie as it was all in sync.

Regardless of the source of distraction - it is key for a man to withstand them and be Resolute mentally.  As he does this, he will stay focused and enable the application of his knowledge.  He will understand what is going around him, ensuring that his involvement will be productive.

When it is time to learn and study, he will not cede to slothful or playful behaviors, rather, he will apply his intellect in a way that will ensure his mind will be expanded.

When his children discuss concerns with him, he will be focused on them and only them - gaining their confidence in both his attention as well as his ability to respond in the needed way.

Likewise, whenever he is interacting with someone, he will be Resolute mentally and be there with that person.  This action of becoming a reliable and trusted confidante is crucial to fulfilling the three P's.

In Spirit

I have listed these in an ascending order, beginning with the most base and then working through the more complex facets of how a man ought to be Resolute.  In spirit is the capstone to all of these as after a man has become a Resolute individual, he must be Resolute in his acknowledgement of who he serves.

For me, this is Christ.  I cannot claim Him as my Master unless I first gain control of myself.  If I am an unruly person - either physically, emotionally or mentally - how can I offer devotion to anyone?  I cannot be Resolute in my devotion to my God and King, the Savior of my soul, if I am not first at the helm in my life.

As a man develops this control, he can find that inner peace that comes only from the confirming protection of a Master that has accepted him.  How confident he will become as the Master takes him in and gives him comfort and security with his guidance.

Without service to someone greater, then a man devolves to self worship, twisting the three P's into some cruel perversion of what was intended.  With the service to someone greater, the man is elevated in his ability to perform the three P's and will draw other successful people to him.

The building upon a Sober mind with a Resolute man leads to his ability to be Faithful, which will be the next post.

See the first post: Manly Defined, Sober
See the third post: Manly Defined, Faithful

Manly Defined, Sober

This will be a series of 3 posts outlining the characteristics I define "manly" by.  I have listened to many try to explain this, but it isn't something that is easy to do.  It is much easier to define what men do - this is given to us: Provide, Preside & Protect.  But how does a man become "manly" enough to accomplish these things?

My wife got me thinking about this a few months ago when she outlined what a woman is to our daughter: Courageous, Happy & Kind.  It has really helped our daughter see how off the mark her temper tantrums are as well as numerous other points of obstinance.  What is great about it, is that we are no longer just punishing for something wrong, we are also encouraging what is right.  It is a complete discipline cycle now.

I have struggled with choosing words to use with our son and now that I have chosen the ones I define "manly" with, I still find them difficult to convey to a child.  I am hoping that as I continue refining my view, I will be able to explain them simply enough for my son.

The three defining characteristics of what makes a man "manly" are as follows:

1. Sober - regarding the attitude and outlook in life
2. Resolute - in body, emotions, spirit and mind
3. Faithful - to self, family and God

Defining Sober

First off, it must be acknowledged how pathetic our society now is considering "sober" means simply - free from drug or drink.  To me, that is like saying to prepare for Olympic competitions, I won't eat McDonald's 3 times a day for two years.  Whereas, yes, diet control is a key component in preparing for athletic competitions - something as base as abstaining from steady fast food isn't even worth mentioning to a serious athlete.

To be sober or of sober mind, a man must control his attitude in life.  It must be appropriate for the circumstance in which the man is in and never in excess.  For instance - think of a party and there is that one insecure guy that is just over-the-top in all that he does at the party.  He really lives the party, dude!  To the point, people only laugh because they are laughing at him and his invitations go down equal to the rate he tries to party harder.

Or on the flip side, imagine a funeral where a man collapses and publicly loses control of his faculties.  Some misguided and insecure few may go to comfort him, but the desire of all - and action of most - will be to put distance between them and the man.  Why?  Not because they are selfish, but because the man can't be helped by them.  Someone who has lost control of their inner self cannot be assisted by others.

There is nothing wrong with enjoying oneself at a party or mourning the loss of a loved one, but there are bounds of which the emotions of the time must be limited to.  It is indeed manly to experience all the emotions of the human experience, but only with the appropriate people and in the appropriate circumstance and to the appropriate amount.  To do otherwise is to breed embarrassment, both towards yourself (as you ought to feel shame after you regain control) and in others that are witnessing the behavior.

A great example here - just as my wife and I were dating and things were beginning to look serious, we had a college professor that made a comment about how we would soon be wed.  I stopped holding my wife's hand and hardly talked to her for a day or so.  Why?  Not because it was a horrid option, but because that level of commitment was beyond what I had with my wife at that time.

Think of awkward dating stories where men and women profess love too soon, it is not sober at all.  It is insecure, irrational and void of depth.  When I did propose to my wife, I did so in a sober fashion.  We had just finished watching a movie together and I knelt before her as she sat on the couch and calmly explained to her how I had lived my life in a way to prepare for having a family.  I told her that I had been searching for someone to advance through life with and I wanted it to be her.

She cried, I held her while she gained control and we set a date.  I was not a braggart by calling upon the masses of strangers in a public place to add drama to the special moment.  Instead, I did so in a sober fashion, I was in control of my faculties as I expressed my desires for marriage to my sweetheart.  I gave the proposal the private respect it deserved, an intimate moment between two people in love.

Why is it a "Manly" Characteristic?

When you view a man as someone who Presides in his home and conquers the world to Protect and Provide for his family, you imagine a reputable man.  Someone that others respect and heed his advice - not some flippant man-boy that arrogantly or naively flitters from one emotion to the next.

It is not possible to think well of someone who cannot act appropriately - that type of person generates embarrassment.  A man should be a source of wisdom and comfort, which is rooted in how sober he is - in other words, how capable he is to be reasonable, to be calm and in control of himself.  He must measure his thoughts, words & deeds against the desired impact and choose his actions based on expected consequence.

Think also of the impact this is for the family.  As the husband and father is to Preside over his family - how can they respect him if he cannot first show that self control that is a result of a sober mind?  How can a wife revere her husband as wise if he vacillates on his principles and desires?  Or how can the children have a feeling of security if their father is erratic?  Some days he comes home screaming in anger and others singing in praise - but it is all dependent on the results of something outside of the home (employment, politics, etc.) and their needs are subordinate to their father's irrational swing of emotions.

A man, a true man, must be of sober mind.  When he is, all around him will acknowledge this and treat him as such.

This is also a foundation for the next characteristic - to be Resolute.  You cannot become Resolute until you first have the self awareness to understand the impact of your words and actions.

See the second post: Manly Defined, Resolute
See the third post: Manly Defined, Faithful 

You da Boss!

"We cannot direct the winds, but we can adjust the sails." -Bertha Calloway

I can't help but laugh when I see people compete for the saddest story award.  Even with my competitive nature, I cede that title as quickly as I can.  It almost seems with the cultural Marxist changes we have in America that it is desirable to have the most pitiful life.  It's like a badge of honor to many people.  I cannot wrap my head around it.  I usually do a good job of at least academically understanding another point of view, but this one I cannot.

I'm not sure where it comes from either - is it the "everyone gets a prize" mentality?  Is it the fact that we treat children so lightly anymore that they don't know how to grow up?  Whatever the causes, I'm sure there are more than just one.

There is a concept of tenacity we have lost in our day of modern convenience.  Technology and the safety net of the welfare state have removed many risks from our lives - to the point where consequence has lost its meaning.

What Once Was:

Before the concept of a free people, before transportation and technology were able to connect a nation - countries were ruled by very few in a select group of families.  Their reach was limited, however, to the number of fields they could control.  Starvation was a very real risk, as were illnesses and injuries we have largely done away with.

The royals protected their family with politics - marriages and loyalties were exchanged for the confidence of support from insurrection, invasion or other common issues.

The common folk had no such abilities.  Rather, they relied on the community as a whole.  Their government did not provide for them, they provided for the government.  Instead, the church or later on the fraternal organizations and guilds were relied upon.  As each man joined a group, he imparted some of his earnings to the community that was dispersed to whomever was in need.  Members that did not pay their dues, were expelled from the support community.

A great lesson is learned from the original colonists.  They were a religious community, intent on being equal in all things.  As such, they adopted communal farming, which nearly lost the colony to starvation.  People no longer worked as much.  The colonies switched to private land and the people thrived.

The actual thing that changed was the accountability.  People had to take charge of their own fate and were only helped after they first helped themselves.  Given the harsh living conditions, a lazy beggar could not be tolerated.  Consider the synergy of that - everyone working to take care of themselves, removing the need and demand for public support.  The only cases that would remain would be the families struck by illness or accident.

What Is Now:

Now, our budget is heavily weighed with welfare type requirements.  See the chart below.

When you add up: Welfare; Health Care; Transportation; & Pensions - you have 53% of the budget.  More than half is consumed by expenses where the government is providing something for the people.

And to be clear, the government does this by taking from people who have it and give it to the people who do not.

Look below at the misguided reality that is feminism - these were right next to each other in a site devoted to making sure women are protected equally.  The first one, makes sense to discuss, but the second one?  The fact that it is even a discussion point shows how dependent we have become in our society.  That, coupled with the fact that it is prioritized at the same level as strangulation, is another disturbing fact.

This obsessive need to be cared for is childish to the extreme.  It is rampant in our society, everywhere from the view of "living wage", the "right to loans with below market risk rates", grades for effort vice performance and so on.  Instead of a synergistic push as a society for self sufficiency, there is a race to dependency.  The winner, of course, is the most victimized.

What Could Be:

But what could be?  We see people that are written off all the time, here are some examples of what the indomitable human spirit can achieve when this public opinion is ignored:

• Man runs after ignoring doctor's advice 
• Medal of Honor recipient that was medically discharged from the Army, he refused it and ended up going back to Vietnam where he then earned the Medal of Honor.  (first few minutes are President Reagan presenting his award, at minutes 9:14 - 12:14 he describes how the Army medically discharged him and he stayed in)
• Children in India teach themselves computer science without teachers

Imagine - how amazing this life would be if we stood on the developments of those before us and sought to better everything in our lives.  There would be no mystery or puzzle beyond our ability to solve, our genetics that are rooted in God would shine and overpower our frail, mortal frames.

It is interesting how we as people always seem to gravitate to someone who will tell us what to do.  I'm not certain if it is something trained in school or if we do it in school because it is natural to us.  It is true, God is not only our Father but also our King.  But, He is a King we do not have to worry about what we are told to do.  We do have to worry about what other people tell us to do, however.  Behind the guise of "helping" us, many seek to enslave us in apathy.  We must learn to push back on this - to embrace our responsibility regarding our life's choices.

There is freedom in this, once we accept that we are accountable for our own choices and thereby their success and failure - we are free to succeed.  If we remit our personal stewardship to circumstance or other people, we acknowledge that we are enslaved by such.  How sad it is that we teach this so broadly in a vain attempt to help children feel better about failure.  We teach them to relinquish freedom for a momentary and pathetic reprieve from the pangs of not being enough.  Wouldn't it be better if we taught the children to overcome this with determination?

Value vs Feeling

There are a few moments in my life that I wish I could erase or time travel back and completely do over.  Of course, I cannot do that.  I can only hope to learn from them and re-focus how I act in the now so that tomorrow I will not be regretting my actions today.

An Example:

One of these poignant moments was when I was a missionary for my church in London, England.  It was a Saturday evening downtown, a group of us missionaries had just finished watching a 2 hour instructional session led by our church leadership.  There was a group of 6 or 8 of us as we left the chapel, feeling great about how we were in England, serving God's children.  We were also enjoying the brief moment of company - usually we were isolated throughout the weeks and would only see the missionary we worked with.

We happily made our way down a crowded street to find a nearby fast food joint to stuff our happy faces with some so-called nourishment.  It was in October so was rather cold and there was the usual London drizzle that night.  Like most large cities, London's sidewalks were covered in scaffolding as buildings changed owners or time periods they represented.  Under one of these ominously dark covers, we walked past a young woman who was wearing a shabby, white night gown.  

Her pretty face was masked in anxious isolation as she sat huddled up against the scaffolding beams clutching her legs.  She trembled in cold and fear.  I paused, looking at her knowing that she was in dire need of help.  Her bare feet were bright red, contrasting her fair English skin.  When she sensed me looking on, she clenched her legs tighter and averted her eyes to the pavement.  What happened next, I wish I could change.  I wish I could change it because I failed her, I failed my God, my Savior, and myself.  What did I do?  I left.  I kept walking the hundred yards or so to the warm, bright scene of cheap and filling food.  

I had just finished an inspiring meeting, feeling close to God and the Holy Ghost as I served my Savoir but when I found an instance to actually live my religion, I did not.  Sure, I promised myself while I was joking with the other missionaries that I would talk to her on the way out, but it was just a thing to make me feel better.  Unsurprisingly, she was gone when we left the restaurant later on.  

I think about that night and I think about how we as people lie to ourselves with how we make faux offers.  President Hinckley, a prophet from my church said it best I think:

"One of the great tragedies we witness almost daily is the tragedy of men of high aim and low achievement. Their motives are noble. Their proclaimed ambition is praiseworthy. Their capacity is great. But their discipline is weak. They succumb to indolence. Appetite robs them of will."

Social Norm Failures:

I often hear people say that because they "tried hard" or that they "meant well" while they explain what went wrong.  It seems there is a disconnect with our ability to recognize truth when it comes to failures.  For instance, how many kids get trophies at events nowadays?  It boils my blood when some sissy hands my son a trophy he didn't earn.  "Participation Awards" are such a slap in the face to me. 

Is that what we are seeking to reward in society - the fact that someone participated?  No expectations of how well they performed, just that they fogged a mirror while there.  This is where what we do does not match what we say.  We tell people to try their best and then reward them regardless of the result of that best.  Imagine any hero - how different would it be if they were not required to overcome something significant in their past?  

We celebrate mediocrity in every facet of life now.  Consider the stupidity of "extra credit" at schools.  I recall in my high school biology course, I could do cross word puzzles for it.  Did I do them?  Of course!  The real question is, did I do the actual work - which the answer is occasionally.  I didn't have to do it, I could do cross word puzzles.  

Don't Forget Politics:

Right now, there is a great example of this separation from action and consequence as the action makes someone "feel good" without actually accomplishing anything.  Last year I had predicted Bernie Sanders would win (I underestimated how corrupt the DNC & Hillary actually are).  To me it was simple, there were too many RNC runners.  I think there were 17, which meant that by primaries, the RNC would be fragmented leaving most of the voters jaded.  This would allow the DNC candidate to pull ahead.

Sure enough, Trump won the bid and now the country is falling apart over it.  The media runs non-stop anti-Trump stories and people by it wholesale.  Of course, the pitiful "3rd Party" options are out in force with the "settle for me!" slogans, but there are a couple problems here:

• There isn't just one "3rd Party" option - there are 2 that will actually make the ballot (who knows the amount beyond that for write-ins)
• The DNC has super delegates that don't have to vote with what the people choose

With both of these facts in mind, you have to ask yourself - how will my vote count the most?  If you vote for an alternate party, it may or may not impact the voting based on whether or not you are RNC or DNC.  The DNC voters won't count when they jump ship.  The RNC voters will and they will take electoral votes from Trump, which only helps Clinton.

The risk here is 1 - 3 Supreme Court Justices.  But because people don't like Trump as a person, they will vote for someone else.  This might make them feel proud of themselves to stand on their moral superiority podium for a bit and defy the heathen Trump, but what the result of this naivety will be is the securing of a Hillary's presidency.  Arguably the most corrupt person ever in American politics.  

In the Family:

A sister-in-law of mine recently posted on Facebook that she had been called an "elitist" because she has secured charter & magnet school spots for many of her children.  I chuckle at this, it is elitist, but not in a negative way.  It is elite in that parents have diligently selected options to ensure their children will succeed.  Much like each military has an elite unit for dire needs - it is their "best foot forward" with them.  How is this bad for parents to do this with their children?

I am confident that if I read this in a couple of decades and think about where my nieces and nephews have landed in life, they will have secured successful positions ins life.  Why am I confident in this?  Simple, this is an excellent example of parents guiding their children to success.

I listen to many parents talk - both in social media and in person - and it is tragic.  There are a high amount of parents that want nothing to do with their children.  Society now views it successful when both parents work because this means each parent is pursuing individual dreams.  You need to take a step back and think about the implications of that to realize how devastating of a reality it is.

Why should anyone in a marriage be pursing a solely "individual" pursuit?  As Christ taught, they twain shall be one flesh - meaning that there is a convergence of two lives into one through the divine institution of marriage.  This requires sacrifice from both the husband and the wife.  So many marriages feel and look like a contractual roommate with sexual benefits.  This is not happiness and certainly not the environment to raise a child.

Now, consider the impacts of pursing individual goals with children.  Kids don't know the fancy terms of emotional abuse or emotionally unavailable parents or so on - but they know how it feels.  They know rather keenly where they fall in a parent's priorities.

By pursuing individual goals, we may accomplish some great things in life - but we will ruin the only amazing thing we own that lives beyond this life.  The difference is perspective.  It may be fun to have perpetual guy or gal nights, living like you are in college and having lots of fun and games.  It may even make you feel good about yourself.  It is, however, irresponsible to ignore the impact of the decision.  The impact is a lonely bed at night and a single plate at the table for all eternity.

In Conclusion

It is important to always review our actions through the lens of results and impact.  If not, we fulfill the age old saying from Saint Bernard of Clairvaux: "The road to Hell is paved with good intentions."

My Bubble!

I run into this concept all the time and I find it very juvenile of people.  Essentially, each person has a set of lenses through which they see the world - these lenses can come from divine sources, such as the Spirit of Christ, which I believe we are all born with and commonly call a conscious.  Other influences are the religion we adhere to, our family, friends, societal expectations and so on.

The culmination of these lenses build our "paradigm".  In other words, the way that we are predisposed to see the world.  We have a set of axioms that are a part of who we are and are almost incapable of challenging them until we meet someone of a different paradigm.

Is this Bad?

This is not inherently bad, some of these lenses help facilitate our accomplishments - consider the difference in what an expert analyst and a college intern will see when they are handed the same set of information.

This can also be represented if I were to show my Father and a high schooler a math program.  My Father would probably reach for a pencil and paper whereas the high schooler would probably grab his tablet.  Neither approach is wrong, but it is the learned view in life, older generations relied on gained knowledge to solve problems whereas younger generations are more focused on the tools that will solve it.

They can also hinder our abilities, however.  A Captain I trained under in the Marine Corps had a great way of expressing this when he was teaching us to learn how to think of indirect weapon usage as opposed to direct fire weapons.  He taught us that people go to what they know in times of need.  So, if you first learned to count on your toes - you would think in "toes" when you needed to work through a complicated math problem.

In the military, this was presented by people thinking of using their rifle to kill the enemy.  The problem with this is that as a direct fire weapon, the rifle is limited in the ability to have impact on all enemies.  It is, however, incredibly effective at suppressing them to a contained area so that you can then lob indirect fire - either by getting close enough to toss a grenade or leveraging something like mortars - which have a much higher lethality rating.  Most people see movies and shows that teach the usage of rifles and pistols as the leading tool used in combat, this constricts their ability to imagine the usage of all tools available to them in life.  It takes severe training to shift this paradigm and it is something that not all can grasp even then.

Some people are so far ingrained with their paradigms that the only way they can respond to a challenge to it is rage.  We see this with people blindly attacking people who think differently than them in politics or religion.  The emotional dependency on what the defined "reality" for the person is beyond their capacity to process and they turn to carnal reactions of fight or flight.

So, is it bad?  Not always.  I think the issue is when we lack the mental dexterity to accept the fact that there are other views than ours and the fact that our view could be wrong.  We need to be sufficiently self aware so that we can at least accept the possibility of other view points.

Danger Points:

When I was 25, I sat in a room with several hundred, newly minted Marine second lieutenants so that wizened colonel could address us as we commenced some of the most rigorous training most of us would ever go through.  This man was a giant among men, not in his stature, but in his control of himself.  The type of man all men immediately notice as one to listen too.

His opening remarks shattered my world - I have never viewed the world the same.  He told us that from since before we were born, there were men that had been studying and training to find ways to kill us and our way of life.  We had crossed the threshold to stay that tide - we may only be in our 20's but there was no excuse to not have a 3,000 year old mind.  In order to keep our Marines safe, we needed to devote our time in energy to study our enemy's as well as our capabilities.

I think about the people that believe that by being friendly to terrorists they will stop their onslaught - those that think we can reason with them.  They refuse to acknowledge that for a terrorist to negotiate with us is for the terrorist to reject his core beliefs.  This assumes that they have the same value of human life and abhorrence of war we do as well.

There are also dangers closer to home, such as girls that feel it is fine to jog at night, alone with headphones on preventing them from hearing their surroundings - this ignores the fact that there are predators seeking them out.  What about parents not controlling a child's access to the internet?

I can already hear the shrill screams accusing me of "victim blaming" but the truth is, we must accept that there are dangers in life and act accordingly. For instance, if I were to walk into a BLM rally and yell "All Lives Matter!", I would end up in a hospital.  Does this make it acceptable for the shrieking terrorist of the BLM to assault me?  Of course not, but it also doesn't make me any less stupid for doing it.

Many times, because we live in a stable society, we fall for the idiotic idea that we as a people are civilized.  This is ludicrous as it would require the genetic inheritance of moral principles.  All one needs to do is watch what happens in times of chaos to see the truth of what we really are.  Many (if not most) people are only decent because their environment allows it.

Beyond this, how many people have now refuted the existence of evil by denying the fact that there is a right and wrong choice in life.  People are now accused of being bigoted for adhering to traditional religious views as society moves to moral relativity.  Just as there have been mortal men studying to kill us and our way of life since before we were born - there is a force of evil that seeks to crush our happiness and has since before we measured time.

We must accept that not all people desire what is good for humanity.  If we do not, we will lose all progression society has achieved by the lurid call of moral relativity.

So what?

Paradigms have always been around and they always will.  I think the most important thing I can do as a husband and a father is simply seek awareness and support the differing of opinions within my home.

My wife and I discuss politics and moral points often, we do not always agree on them.  I find myself respecting my wife all the more as she is able to refute my views and defend her own.  We have started sharing our simpler opinions with our children so that they can begin making their own choices.  We reinforce that it is okay to have different views, so long as we still treat each other nicely and with respect.

As young as our kids are, I think they are getting it.  I hope they do as compromise will be a significant requirement in our society as the morals degrade further.  We, the religious members of society, will have to cede certain freedoms in order to retain our core beliefs and freedoms.  But this all begins with the acceptance of the fact that not all view the world as we do.  Patient tolerance must be learned by both sides if we as a society is to support differing cultures.

If we can learn to do this, we can learn to accept difference in paradigms and rise above our carnal instinct to destroy and avoid that which is different.  I don't know what all the future holds, but I hope my children will be able to function in society - freely as children of God and Christ without fear of repercussion.  This cannot happen unless my generation preserves the decency of tolerance framed in our Constitution with the First Amendment and also teach them to be accepting of others.  

Talent or Effort?

I have often heard people exclaim that my shooting is a "natural" born talent or when you see someone who is great at music that they are just "born that way".  The whole nature versus nurture is a confusing topic, one that I have seen plenty of emotions in discussions over it.

The most common thing people bring up is music.  All these amazing children that can play instruments better than adults.  Here are some great videos with kids doing amazing things:

3 year old dancing

5 year old Bruce Lee

Every time I see videos like this, I hear the arguments for "nature" ringing through my head - all those people believing in fate.  All I see, though, is a child that has found one way to interact with his parents.  

If you pay attention to each child "prodigy", you will find parents that are very focused in particular area of that child's development.  For instance, when I was in the Marine Corps, I rarely saw my children.  One of the best stress relievers I had was my motorcycle, and I would often take it apart, clean it and put it back together for a long weekend project.  

It was one of my favorite means to relax, my son as a result of this took keen interest in motorcycles, to the point at 4 years old he could explain what a spark plug was and knew how to find it.  He also know where the oil and fuel filters were and what the different type of screwdriver heads were that I used (flat, phillips, & hex).  The store clerks at auto stores were blown away when he would walk up and tell them the exact part we needed, why we needed it and what it did on the bike.  

If you were to ask my son now, however, where or what some of those are - he may not remember.  Since then, I have a much healthier balance in time spent with my children and he can explore many aspects of life as opposed to one hobby of mine.  I'm not sure what I'm implying about parents that have only one way to relate with their children - it would depend on the relationship to determine if it was good or bad.

So what determines our potential in life?

Starting Point

First off, I consider the starting point we are all at.  It is my faith and belief that we are both spiritual and physical.  We have a spirit body, of whom God is the Father, and we have our physical bodies that are created by our earthly parents.  This is why we call God, "Heavenly Father", He is the literal father of our spirits.  Given that we inherit traits from our lineage, we all have the potential of perfection in all things.  This is why Christ taught us to "be perfect", it is an achievable expectation, if not in this life.  

But, we do not live in God's presence, rather, we are here in this broken and fallen world.  Everything from the lack of symmetry of the earth to our inability to have kindness for all people are clear indicators that we live in a time and space that is separate from God.  

This separation is called "The Veil".  I do not know if it is an actual event horizon or if it is something we can actually understand in this life.  What I do know, is that it is real and it ensures we have time to live here on Earth as we decide what we wish to be.  

Part of this imperfection, we inherit imperfect traits from our earthly parents.  From the ability to be sick and die to a lack of holiness - our imperfect physical bodies are far from the perfected frame God and Christ have.    

Genetics

Given that we have a combination of perfected and broken genes, we will always have this argument of nurture vs nature.  Every person is unique in how they experience this broken existence.  An obvious example are handicapped people that are born with defective bodies or brains.  Clearly, no matter how hard they work at goals in life, they will be barred from most of what society takes for granted.  

It then also stands to reason, the people that are incapable of identifying pitches and are thereby tone death, might have a flaw in how their physical and spiritual body combine.  I don't think that these are common, however.  If we state otherwise, we implicate that apathy is an acceptable route due to conditions beyond our control.  It limits our ability to be free to choose if we believe this way.  

Brain Development

We are still greatly ignorant in how the brain functions, but we know that it is elastic and pliable.  At younger ages, it is much more so and as we progress into adulthood, the brain becomes less flexible. Meaning, if you expose a child to a learning point at a younger age, then they will have a natural brain development that supports accelerated learning and comprehension in that space.  It does not mean the child was born with the advantage - it was trained and developed.

This is also crucial to understand why it is harder for adults to gain new expertise, it is still possible, but requires greater patience and diligence.  Two things that are generally lacking in our society and if you believe that you weren't "born with the ability" to do your dream, you give up before you understand your potential.  

Parental Influence

Here is an interesting video of a child that seems pre-disposed at science.  At 14, he created a nuclear reactor.  Here is another one of a teen that has some amazing mechanical skills, he started riding at age 3 and how has built his own prototype bike.  

A common thread in all of these videos is the parental involvement.  The dancing kid does this everyday with his family - especially his mother.  The Bruce Lee kid clearly spends a lot of time acting out Bruce Lee to his parents, it is his channel for attention and playing with them.

The fusion kid had parents that supported his desires that then developed into talents and true capacity.  If you look at the pictures of him at different stages, his parents fueled his interests by purchasing him science equipment his entire childhood.  

The motorcycle kid bonds with his father by making his bike and car.  His father's passion of mechanical work has become his as well.  

All of these kids had parents that supported their desires, and helped launch those desires into reality.  Consider on the flip side, how many parents rarely even play with their kids, or have their kids just watch TV or play games.  Look at how we view kids as "less than" in terms of ability to comprehend life and concepts - we as the adults limit the growth of the next generation.  

Quality Practise

When I took my first course to learn how to ride a motorcycle, I ended up being the top performer in the course.  I was also the only one who had never rode a bike - not even a dirt bike.  The Marine Corps invests a lot of funds into motorcycle training and I took advantage of as many of them as I could.  

After riding about 6 months, I noticed I was actually more competent than many of the bikers I met that had rode for decades.  I even passed a ST1000 with my 650 Yamaha V-Star (for you non-riders out there, I was riding a cruiser built for comfort and beat a sport bike) on a course requiring deep leans in the turns.  

This experience helped me understand that time spent is not necessarily an indicator of improvement.  I heard a podcast the other day from the Art of Manliness on this topic, and there was some great explanations as to why this is.  Essentially, many people do the same thing over and over.  They don't break down each function of what they are trying to improve.  

For instance, with bikes, there was a creepy abandoned development across the road from us that aside from drug deals at night was abandoned.  I would ride my bike on the roads, practicing slow turns, starting and stopping - all with minimal speed.  Anyone that rides knows that cornering is probably the most fun you can have on a bike, but only when you are moving.  Going slow is work and really not that much fun.  But I did that for months, ensuring I could control my bike without the advantage of speed.  

Then, in the courses, I readily took the instructions the teachers had as I didn't have any predisposition against it.  Many of the more "experienced" riders refused to take their tips and therefore did not improve.  They had become complacent and stubborn.  This meant that they just reinforced the same bad habits over and over.  

I also saw people who didn't understand how to train, they would do odd things like try to ride without hands or not lean in turns and so on.  They would target specific improvement points to work on - but they didn't validate their metric and solution.  They understood the concept of having a targeted and purposeful training session, but they missed the boat completely when it came to improvement.  

This means that as we develop ourselves, we need to ensure we have taken the correct advice and work on targeting specific improvement points so that we are not just spending time on our new hobby.  

Summary

All in all, I agree there are some genetic items that have influence on what we may do in this life, but I don't feel they are material enough to discuss.  Most things in life can be achieved with sufficient energy, focus and the ever important aspect of time.  I think we really struggle with that last one in this day and age, but its relevance has not been diminished with the advent of technology.  

Jealousy

I recently saw a photo of some old friends of mine where they had done a long distance bike ride and I felt the immediate pains of spite.  I had to sell my bike about 2 years ago and have been longing to buy one ever since I took the cash.  Riding was certainly one of the better forms of stress relief I have ever had in my life.

When you consider the things that make us miserable in life, I think jealousy is pretty far up there.  I would never actually rank negative attributes (not sure if I would rank positive ones either...) but it envy is truly the antithesis of gratitude - a foundational requirement for a content life.

But why is that?  How does it eat away at our inner peace?  I have been thinking about how jealousy corrodes our happiness and here are the thoughts I have compiled so far.

Lack of Confidence in Self

Life is a summation of our choices.  Each of us are where we are at directly due to our actions so far in our life.  This means, if we envy what others have, we don't feel we made the correct choice at some point in our life.  Either we made the wrong choice or we are not capable of achieving more than what we are at.

When we envy what someone else has, we place their achievements in life above ours - shadowing any reason we have to celebrate personal successes.  How demoralizing is that?  Yes, there are people that have more than us in life, but why does that have to take away from our accomplishments and resulting happiness?

For instance, I watched a sycophant in the Marine Corps during Hurricane Sandy relief efforts stay up virtually all night "planning".  He did so as he was trying to impress our obtuse CO and XO.  It worked, he got an award for his efforts there despite he provided some of the least value.  At the time, I was irritated at him, as were several others in the unit.

If you look at the stupidity of his choices, how can you improve a plan after the orders have been given?  Truth is, you cannot.  Anything he changed would have to be re-instructed after the Marines woke up - which could impact the issuing of gear or the items the Marines had to pack in preparation.  He did all of that and more, wasting everyone's time from the CO on down with re-issuing serialized equipment which also prevented many of his Marines from being able to eat breakfast before embarking on the mission.

When my CO and XO demanded those type of actions from me, I stood my ground and went with common sense - I never received any form of recognition from that unit despite some of the profound accomplishments that had Marine Corps wide impacts.  Not many junior officers write policy that is absorbed directly by the Logistics Command and provided to other units.

My envy for him faded as I realized I would never pay the price he paid to receive that award.  Regardless of how my CO viewed me, I knew what I had done and my Marines respected me for it.  That was why I commissioned, to add value to the Marine Corps and my Marines - personal recognition was not required for it.

To envy that attention seeker implies the declaration of my choices as misguided.  Once I walked through my actions regarding what I could have done to have achieved the short term acknowledgement, I surrendered my desire for his award - the cost was too high for me.  Peace was restored and I continued to go about my duties.

Priorities

Once we ensure we are confident in our actions, we declare our priorities incorrect when we are jealous of what other people have.  I have a colleague that became a senior leader within a matter of years after he left college.  He's probably the youngest person to have ever held the title - no small feat.  I am very ambitious, I crave responsibility and the ability to have influence.  I enjoy the stress of it and the pay doesn't hurt either.

When I realized his success, I talked with him about it briefly - eager to take some advice as I am commonly the youngest / most junior in my meetings.  His response startled me, he sighed and let me know that it was a result of him not taking time for himself.  He didn't really want to discuss it more than that and so we talked about other subjects before we parted ways.

It was a confirming moment for me as I have always tried to keep my family high in my priorities.  There are times when I lose that focus, but overall my family is a key part of my life.  Yes, it would be great to have an achievement like his, but my priorities in life begin with my duties to God and family.  No accomplishment I obtain in life can recompense failure in those areas as those are the only permanent relationships in the eternal view.

This man was clearly envious of other people's balance in life, that should be a clear message in how we ought to approach balance in our life based on our priorities.

Perspective

Finally - if we are jealous of what others have, we miss the purpose of our life here.  We are to learn how to control our carnal desires and choose our Savior above ourselves.  That is the purpose of this life, no more and no less.  A successful life is not contingent upon wealth or public achievements - which means happiness is not contingent upon these things.

When we lose focus and pursue things that are not of value, we find emptiness.  This emptiness can either guide us back to a purpose driven life, or it can push us further into selfish pursuits that, without fail, will result in envy and greed.

The race in life is not with others but rather our past self.  We must trust in the guidance we receive from God and our ability to make good decisions with that guidance if we are to have confidence in this life.  This confidence will not allow room for petty feelings of jealousy - nor will we have the time or interest as we confidently pursue a good life.

In summary - I think jealousy denies us happiness because it declares every decision, desire, and even our view on life, to be misguided.  This is why we must be grateful for what we have regardless of what others have.  

Patience

Patience is one of those virtues I have never really thought much on.  There are plenty of jokes around it, but I have never seen a serious discussion on it until about 2 weeks ago when I found this talk from Elder Maxwell (he was an apostle in my church until he died in 2004).  It is a very long speech, but well worth the read.

In summary of it, Elder Maxwell explains how patience is tied to humility, faith, liberty & love.  It made me think about how I respond in my life when things don't go as I want them to go.  If considered, impatience is the demanding of others (God included at times) to adhere to your timeline, refusing them the liberty and opportunity to make their own decisions.  This is incredibly arrogant when you look at what it actually is.

Then, on the flip side, look at how patient God and Christ are with us.  They have given clear, simple guidance in how to obey them - yet we demand all of our earthy years to figure out how to obey.  Such love they have, both for us and for liberty.  They value our opinion so much, that they ensure we have time given to us where we can repent, or not repent.  Such tolerance, the Creators of the universe allow us, imperfect and obstinate creatures space and time to decide if God and our Savior are good enough for us to obey.

Patience as a Husband

As hard as it may be to believe, my wife and I argue.  I know, with a catch like me, why would she ever need to disagree, right?

On a serious note, we are coming up on 10 years of marriage this year and we are still finding areas where we disagree what the best option ought to be in our discussions.  We also both think very differently, whereas I tend to think silently, she thinks by talking.  We do have a good handle on communication, but there are still moments when we frustrate each other and it usually boils down to perspective and how we process things.

It has become a true exercise of love and respect as we have learned to accept each other for our differences - without hesitation.  I have had to learn how to speak my thoughts to my wife - something that is very difficult for me to do.  I enjoy pondering lots of things in life but I have never really shared my thoughts. It was quite the transition for me to learn that I needed to share the things my mind dwells on all day with my wife.

Then, once I shared them, I had to learn that it was good for her to challenge them as we discussed them.  To compound to all of this, I had to learn to shut up and let her think out loud as she worked on disagreeing with my thoughts with me being her sounding board...  That part was totally easy...

For my wife, she learned that she needed to give me space and time to think on things and that when she is developing her opinion by thinking out loud, she can help me by telling me that she just needs a sounding board at that time.

It is fun to joke now about our differences, we can now - without guile - tease each other for the differences.  It has brought such a unity in our relationship, such a confidence in knowing that we are loved for who we are - no fine print needed.  Of course we have much more to learn in this aspect of our life - we do not yet know what we do not yet know.  I am simply grateful we have the foundation to learn it together.

Patience as a Father

Unlike the relationship I have with my wife, I must own the direction of the relationship I have with my children.  They do not understand concepts such as emotional bank accounts or trust economics well enough to alter their behavior to improve a relationship.  They understand love and patience as the recipients very well, however.  As with all children, they know when they are valued and when they are not.

It is also an interesting line to walk, allowing for their liberty while guiding them to the right decisions.  Naturally, I will control their choices when it comes to things like playing with fire or in the street, but as they get older, how much should I control?  For now, we have easy rules: we all go to church, we all treat Mom with respect, no temper tantrums allowed and chores must be done before playtime.

I have found it helps to build that relationship of trust now with the kids.  For instance, we have our kids wash dishes by hand.  This may seem odd in such a modern and convenient day we live in, but there are two things we accomplish with this:

First - the dishes actually get cleaned.  I get tired of how many times I found dried food on "clean" dishes coming out of the dishwasher.  Of course, people always point out you have to rinse / clean the dish before putting it in the dishwasher, at which point I wonder how they actually increase efficiency.

Second - the kids learn a valuable skill and work ethic of cleaning their home.  One day, they will be on their own and there is no guarantee there will be a dishwasher or that they will have anyone helping encourage them to clean up after themselves.

When we first started having them do the dishes however, I think the first generation dishwasher had a better hitting average for how clean the dishes were.  They would wash greasy pans first, ensuring all the dishes were neatly coated in the drying racks or ignore whole sections of dishes or somehow dishes ended up in the drying rack with almost no change from when they were dirtied.

It was frustrating - it was taking more time and energy from my wife and I (more hers than mine) to ensure we had dishes to use in the house.  Time has passed, however, and now they do a fairly good job in cleaning the kitchen.  We gave them time to learn it, continued to coach them through it and now they are almost on autopilot - after we get them into the kitchen to start that is.

This is a small example where we did well as parents in letting undesirable results for a time frame while we let the kids learn how to do it correctly.  We do not always do this, but I think about examples like this when I am frustrated with their progress and then I realize that if I have patience and give them time and support, they will exceed my expectations every time.

Patience with others

In our church, we serve a lot.  We have assignments to stop by other family's to see how they are and help them as much as we can.  If it is beyond our ability to help, we are expected to help coordinate the required support.  This is not always easy, the family may not want you to come by and you may not like them.

There is a solution to this without throwing in the towel, however.  Christ served all and has promised us that He will qualify the people He calls.  In other words, if we learn to emulate His example by finding a balance in supporting others while not controlling their choices - He will make it successful.

None of us are perfect and we all need help at some point in our life.  It is true, some need more help than others, but all of this is irrelevant when you view the fact that we all need Christ everyday.  He does not complain about us, not even when we continue to make the same mistakes.  He gives us time and space here in mortality to learn to be more like Him so that, hopefully, one day He will represent us to our Father in Heaven and recommend entrance to God's Kingdom.

Who are we to deny others the time and space they need for improvement?  So what if someone struggles a bit more publicly than someone else, it does not make them worth less.  Nor does it make it any more right for us to judge them harshly for it.

Different than not caring

With all of this, it is important to understand that if you give a wayward child room to learn and hopefully return, it does not mean that you condone the wrongful acts.  Rather, you accept that the child has agency to act and think for himself.

To have patience with people that do not understand economics and want to turn my beloved homeland into a despairing communist experiment does not mean I view their recommendations as equal to my own.  I can give people room to be wrong without condoning it.  I have the civil right to vote in accordance with my views in life just as they do.  The fact of disagreement does not nullify either view, it simply requires maturity so that individual respect is still maintained.

Sometimes, we must force other people's hands as well.  As a manager, I drive cost reductions and deadlines that are very binding on the decisions others can make.  (I wonder how much of that is comparable to life with God: if He is a God of laws and rules - there must be hurdles for Him to overcome as He advances His will.)  But even as I force decisions, there are times when you cannot do more, someone will say no and you can't change that answer without first changing several other things.

This does not make that employee a bad one, they could potentially be one of the better ones that had the foresight to warn you.  You must have patience, however, to discern between the lazy nay-sayer and the employee with foresight.

Summary

If the God of the universe can have patience with us by allowing us to develop into the people we desire to be, who are we to control others?  They may not think like us, they may even hate our beliefs, but who are we to restrain their ability to think and act as they do?

I still have much to learn in patience, but I am grateful for a loving Father in Heaven that has granted me space and time to learn such eternal precepts.  He has furthered His infinite wisdom and care by providing the perfect sacrifice, our Savior, without who, it would not matter how much space and time God granted to us - we would never improve enough to regain His presence.

This is my hope, however, that I will continue to learn how my Father would have me use His gift of time and space in preparation for the day I will stand to be judged of my Savior.  

Death & Duties

No one knows when they will die, but we all know we will.  For one reason or another, I have thought a lot about my death in my life so far.  I fear it as it is an approaching deadline I do not know if I can fully prepare for.  How is it we know that we have sufficiently used the time we have here on Earth?

To answer part of that, I think about how we view this life - it is a part of our eternal existence as the children to our Father in Heaven.  Not all things will be accomplished here - they cannot be by design.  Therefore, if we are to have confidence in the usage of our time, we must understand how our duties are effected by death.

For a few months, I have been considering the limitations of myself (a fallen, mortal man) and how that impacts my ability to fulfill the duties I have been charged with by God.  As a son of His & Christ, a child to my parents, a husband to my wife and father to my children - I have much expected of me.

Child of God & of Christ

As a Child of God & of Christ, I must submit to Christ as my Master and acknowledge God before all other gods (in that He is separate from Christ & the Holy Ghost in the godhead and the first commandment is to put no other gods before Him).  I then must obey the commands Christ has given - which I began with baptism.  That would be many blogs just on that topic but is easily summarized thankfully through the atonement of Christ.

The atonement allows for progression - for continued improvement as long as we seek it.  When we die and enter the Spirit World, we will still be afforded opportunities to grow and become more converted to our Savior - if we so choose.  We can also choose to give up, to stagnate our growth, but this is essentially the same for here and the Spirit World.

Child of my parents

Child to my parents - another commandment here to honor them.  This is more than just speaking kindly to them, it is also speaking kindly of them.  Acknowledging what they have done for me in my life.  Even as I have disagreements with them, I must honor the sacrifices they have made, I must support them in their life pursuits and ensure my children know who they are.

This does not change with their death, which thankfully, both of my parents are still alive and well, but one day they will die.  It will be for me to ensure their descendants know them and what they did in their life so that they will be connected still.

Death does not remove or surrender my duty to obey my God & honor my parents.

Husband to my wife

As a husband to my wife - I am the provider for her in both monies and the priesthood in our home.  I am to support her as she pursues dreams and counsel her and be counseled by her when it comes to the guidance from God.  In every way, we are partners.

What if I were to die, however?  How can I support my wife?  That is in part answered with how we live.  My wife and I have chosen to live simply, we do not incur much debt and do not use credit cards.  Currently, we have a mortgage and an auto loan - that is all.  I have sufficient life insurance that if I were to die, then my wife could be debt free and have enough to cover the transition of her getting back into the workforce.  This does give me some comfort, knowing that my family will be supported in such a crisis.

But what about the other aspects?  A marriage is so much more than fiscal dependency - it is the blending of two lives.  I do not have actual answers for this, only thoughts & impressions - and they are mainly around having an open discussion regarding expectations if one of us dies.

My wife and I both joke that we must die together in bed as old invalids as we do not wish to re-enter the dating game, but that will probably not happen.  There is the notion that spouses die within months of each other - I could not find any data around how common that was, however.  What I could find was a study from AARP that showed about 40% of women and 13 % of men over 65 are widowed.  That is not a small amount of people. Who knows how many if it is under the age of 65.

Moving past the death of a spouse I'm sure is very difficult, one I'm not sure I would handle well.  I think having some expectations set and agreed to would help, however.  For instance, I would not want my wife to feel guilty for finding a new husband that she could share her life with if it meant her being happy.  We are sealed for eternity, I do not know how that will all work out in the life after, but I know it will all work out.

Something I thought of recently as well, was writing letters for her to be opened at key dates - letters explaining my feelings and hopes for her.  They will be fun to read together, but if I do die before the date, she will have something tangible to read from me - some means of communicating with me.

Father to my children

As for my children, I am their protector.  I protect them from hunger and the elements by providing for their basic needs, I would protect them physically if required and it is for me to protect them from the pains Satan seeks to inflict upon them by ensuring they know how to reach out to God & Christ.

This one I have thought a lot about in the past few months.  My children truly love me and seek my support in their life.  I am painfully aware of my inability to always be there for them even though I am physically here.  I have duties for work that take me away and they have their own lives that they are beginning to develop - which means sometimes I am not immediately there for them when they might wish it.  This is a result of being in a fallen and temporal world - I'm not sure how the life after works - but I would like to think that we could be more connected.

I find comfort in knowing that they know how to pray, though.  They are never alone, our Father in Heaven is always available to them and ensures they are not alone.  Their tender and innocent minds accept this fact so readily, I find myself almost envying them.  It gives me confidence that they are learning to have a foundation based on the eternal principles God has given us - this is the greatest thing I can do for them.  Money & physical presence are not guaranteed in life, but faith in God ensures the peace needed to live a happy life.

In other words - my death does not change my duty to guide my children to God while I am with them.  The only thing I can do to help them, is write letters to them for major dates that are coming up in their life.  They would be good regardless if I am there to hand them to the child or not.

In Closing

Overall - I have realized that death has no impact on my duties.  It can, however, ensure we keep things in perspective, remind us why it is important to keep a journal and to write things to our loved ones.  These things are tangible and can be saved to be re-read in lonely or difficult times.  If we truly love our families, we should ensure our impact and support for them lasts as long as we love them.  

Friend or Parent?

I remember several years ago when our children were toddlers, my wife and I were often viewed as hard-liners with our kids.  Many told us they could not do what we did as they would feel like they would be seen as "mean" parents.

I have watched as many people have focused on the fun times with their kids and avoiding the uncomfortable conversations.  I also watch as those kids push their way through crowded hallways with elderly people, or nudging a younger kid out of the way.  I see them slouch and joke when I teach and act arrogantly indifferent when I call out their disrespectful behavior.

The difference here is simple to me - parenting is about leadership, which is not about popularity or being liked.  It is about driving those in your stewardship to grow and to do the right things for the right reasons.

Leaders are not friends

In the Marine Corps, I was not in my warehouse very often - I was usually in the fiscal officer's office, checking on officers that had signed for gear or interacting with my superior in his office.  I had to learn how to hold my men accountable with minimal time - which made each time I walked through their areas an inspection.  I learned to systematically check key indicators of what my men were doing - how backed up was Shipping / Receiving, where were the forklifts? How clean were the racks & floors, were there any tire or oil stains in the aisles?

In the office, where were the receipts - which desk(s) were unorganized and cluttered?  Were my Marines in the appropriate uniform?  Did any of them look fat or soft?  Were their heads hung down with excessive complaining or were they actively engaged in their tasks?

The questions go on and on - but I would often surprise my Marines by the level of detail I knew of what was going on in my section with how little I was there.  I drove them to success, as the Officer in Charge - I was the standard bearer.  I was praised several times by colonels and even a 1 star regarding the discipline in my shop.  All in all, I was not an easy officer to work for - but I was respected.

My Marines were proud to work for me, and I was proud they were in my section.  I was not popular, but I was respected.  When it matters, that is all that counts.  I saw many other officers that acted with insecurities and were casual with their Marines.  I even saw some on a first name basis - they struggled to get their Marines to do what mine did.  I was not my Marine's friend and I was not casual with them.  I would mentor them, train them, discipline them and I drove their focus with an unforgiving list of tasks.

Interesting discovery, I have kept my phone number the same as about every 6 or 9 months, one of my Marine's call or text me seeking advice or assistance.  I have been out almost 3 years and this still holds true.  I am proud of this fact as many times I felt lonely in my shop as I watched them develop lifelong friendships - but I would not trade my relationship with them for all the friends in the world.

Parents & Children

I see parenting as the same.  My children are in a stage of life where they do not need me to be their friend.  For instance, this past month they have been struggling with the advent of approaching summer to focus on their schoolwork and chores.  My wife has struggled with keeping them focused while also getting things done around the house she needs to do.  In short, our kids have taken advantage of the fact I have been working long days and my wife was not hovering over them all day.

Many might say that they are 7 & 8, it is part of childhood.  I reject this concept.  My son has been baptized, he holds the sacred gift of the Holy Ghost.  In the eyes of God, he has reached the age of accountability and is expected to know the difference in right & wrong.  My daughter turns 8 next year and will be in the same situation.

It is our responsibility as parents to ensure we teach our children what is expected of them so that they will be ready to make their own choices.  Part of this, is obeying their Mother.  It is disrespectful and arrogant for them to think that they can negotiate the requirements laid upon them.  As such, I talked with them rather sternly regarding their failing behaviors of not completing chores & schoolwork.

We have new beds for them, still in boxes (I haven't had time to set them up yet).  Their old ones work just fine, but these beds are loft with desk-beds, which will be very nice for them as they progress in school years to have their own study areas.  I frankly told them that the desks will be going back to the store if they mess up in the next week.  They do not need them, they want them.  If they cannot respect my wife, then they do not get to have the nice things in life.

Harsh?  I don't care.  It is my duty as their father to ensure they know how to complete the tasks levied upon them.  One day, not too long from now, they will leave my home.  They will go to a world that does not care about them or their needs.  If I do not ensure they understand how to be successful, then their adult lives will suffer.  I am not raising them to have great childhoods, I am raising them to have a great adulthood.

One day, when they are grown and on their own, I will then be their friend and mentor.  My time as their parent will be in the past - it will be up to them to decide how to navigate the sea of life.  That is my focus, to be their parent, the one that will have the uncomfortable conversations that clearly instruct them on what they did well or poorly so that they can have some life lessons to draw from in their early adult years.