I remember several years ago when our children were toddlers, my wife and I were often viewed as hard-liners with our kids. Many told us they could not do what we did as they would feel like they would be seen as "mean" parents.
I have watched as many people have focused on the fun times with their kids and avoiding the uncomfortable conversations. I also watch as those kids push their way through crowded hallways with elderly people, or nudging a younger kid out of the way. I see them slouch and joke when I teach and act arrogantly indifferent when I call out their disrespectful behavior.
The difference here is simple to me - parenting is about leadership, which is not about popularity or being liked. It is about driving those in your stewardship to grow and to do the right things for the right reasons.
Leaders are not friends
In the Marine Corps, I was not in my warehouse very often - I was usually in the fiscal officer's office, checking on officers that had signed for gear or interacting with my superior in his office. I had to learn how to hold my men accountable with minimal time - which made each time I walked through their areas an inspection. I learned to systematically check key indicators of what my men were doing - how backed up was Shipping / Receiving, where were the forklifts? How clean were the racks & floors, were there any tire or oil stains in the aisles?
In the office, where were the receipts - which desk(s) were unorganized and cluttered? Were my Marines in the appropriate uniform? Did any of them look fat or soft? Were their heads hung down with excessive complaining or were they actively engaged in their tasks?
The questions go on and on - but I would often surprise my Marines by the level of detail I knew of what was going on in my section with how little I was there. I drove them to success, as the Officer in Charge - I was the standard bearer. I was praised several times by colonels and even a 1 star regarding the discipline in my shop. All in all, I was not an easy officer to work for - but I was respected.
My Marines were proud to work for me, and I was proud they were in my section. I was not popular, but I was respected. When it matters, that is all that counts. I saw many other officers that acted with insecurities and were casual with their Marines. I even saw some on a first name basis - they struggled to get their Marines to do what mine did. I was not my Marine's friend and I was not casual with them. I would mentor them, train them, discipline them and I drove their focus with an unforgiving list of tasks.
Interesting discovery, I have kept my phone number the same as about every 6 or 9 months, one of my Marine's call or text me seeking advice or assistance. I have been out almost 3 years and this still holds true. I am proud of this fact as many times I felt lonely in my shop as I watched them develop lifelong friendships - but I would not trade my relationship with them for all the friends in the world.
Parents & Children
I see parenting as the same. My children are in a stage of life where they do not need me to be their friend. For instance, this past month they have been struggling with the advent of approaching summer to focus on their schoolwork and chores. My wife has struggled with keeping them focused while also getting things done around the house she needs to do. In short, our kids have taken advantage of the fact I have been working long days and my wife was not hovering over them all day.
Many might say that they are 7 & 8, it is part of childhood. I reject this concept. My son has been baptized, he holds the sacred gift of the Holy Ghost. In the eyes of God, he has reached the age of accountability and is expected to know the difference in right & wrong. My daughter turns 8 next year and will be in the same situation.
It is our responsibility as parents to ensure we teach our children what is expected of them so that they will be ready to make their own choices. Part of this, is obeying their Mother. It is disrespectful and arrogant for them to think that they can negotiate the requirements laid upon them. As such, I talked with them rather sternly regarding their failing behaviors of not completing chores & schoolwork.
We have new beds for them, still in boxes (I haven't had time to set them up yet). Their old ones work just fine, but these beds are loft with desk-beds, which will be very nice for them as they progress in school years to have their own study areas. I frankly told them that the desks will be going back to the store if they mess up in the next week. They do not need them, they want them. If they cannot respect my wife, then they do not get to have the nice things in life.
Harsh? I don't care. It is my duty as their father to ensure they know how to complete the tasks levied upon them. One day, not too long from now, they will leave my home. They will go to a world that does not care about them or their needs. If I do not ensure they understand how to be successful, then their adult lives will suffer. I am not raising them to have great childhoods, I am raising them to have a great adulthood.
One day, when they are grown and on their own, I will then be their friend and mentor. My time as their parent will be in the past - it will be up to them to decide how to navigate the sea of life. That is my focus, to be their parent, the one that will have the uncomfortable conversations that clearly instruct them on what they did well or poorly so that they can have some life lessons to draw from in their early adult years.
I have watched as many people have focused on the fun times with their kids and avoiding the uncomfortable conversations. I also watch as those kids push their way through crowded hallways with elderly people, or nudging a younger kid out of the way. I see them slouch and joke when I teach and act arrogantly indifferent when I call out their disrespectful behavior.
The difference here is simple to me - parenting is about leadership, which is not about popularity or being liked. It is about driving those in your stewardship to grow and to do the right things for the right reasons.
Leaders are not friends
In the Marine Corps, I was not in my warehouse very often - I was usually in the fiscal officer's office, checking on officers that had signed for gear or interacting with my superior in his office. I had to learn how to hold my men accountable with minimal time - which made each time I walked through their areas an inspection. I learned to systematically check key indicators of what my men were doing - how backed up was Shipping / Receiving, where were the forklifts? How clean were the racks & floors, were there any tire or oil stains in the aisles?
In the office, where were the receipts - which desk(s) were unorganized and cluttered? Were my Marines in the appropriate uniform? Did any of them look fat or soft? Were their heads hung down with excessive complaining or were they actively engaged in their tasks?
The questions go on and on - but I would often surprise my Marines by the level of detail I knew of what was going on in my section with how little I was there. I drove them to success, as the Officer in Charge - I was the standard bearer. I was praised several times by colonels and even a 1 star regarding the discipline in my shop. All in all, I was not an easy officer to work for - but I was respected.
My Marines were proud to work for me, and I was proud they were in my section. I was not popular, but I was respected. When it matters, that is all that counts. I saw many other officers that acted with insecurities and were casual with their Marines. I even saw some on a first name basis - they struggled to get their Marines to do what mine did. I was not my Marine's friend and I was not casual with them. I would mentor them, train them, discipline them and I drove their focus with an unforgiving list of tasks.
Interesting discovery, I have kept my phone number the same as about every 6 or 9 months, one of my Marine's call or text me seeking advice or assistance. I have been out almost 3 years and this still holds true. I am proud of this fact as many times I felt lonely in my shop as I watched them develop lifelong friendships - but I would not trade my relationship with them for all the friends in the world.
Parents & Children
I see parenting as the same. My children are in a stage of life where they do not need me to be their friend. For instance, this past month they have been struggling with the advent of approaching summer to focus on their schoolwork and chores. My wife has struggled with keeping them focused while also getting things done around the house she needs to do. In short, our kids have taken advantage of the fact I have been working long days and my wife was not hovering over them all day.
Many might say that they are 7 & 8, it is part of childhood. I reject this concept. My son has been baptized, he holds the sacred gift of the Holy Ghost. In the eyes of God, he has reached the age of accountability and is expected to know the difference in right & wrong. My daughter turns 8 next year and will be in the same situation.
It is our responsibility as parents to ensure we teach our children what is expected of them so that they will be ready to make their own choices. Part of this, is obeying their Mother. It is disrespectful and arrogant for them to think that they can negotiate the requirements laid upon them. As such, I talked with them rather sternly regarding their failing behaviors of not completing chores & schoolwork.
We have new beds for them, still in boxes (I haven't had time to set them up yet). Their old ones work just fine, but these beds are loft with desk-beds, which will be very nice for them as they progress in school years to have their own study areas. I frankly told them that the desks will be going back to the store if they mess up in the next week. They do not need them, they want them. If they cannot respect my wife, then they do not get to have the nice things in life.
Harsh? I don't care. It is my duty as their father to ensure they know how to complete the tasks levied upon them. One day, not too long from now, they will leave my home. They will go to a world that does not care about them or their needs. If I do not ensure they understand how to be successful, then their adult lives will suffer. I am not raising them to have great childhoods, I am raising them to have a great adulthood.
One day, when they are grown and on their own, I will then be their friend and mentor. My time as their parent will be in the past - it will be up to them to decide how to navigate the sea of life. That is my focus, to be their parent, the one that will have the uncomfortable conversations that clearly instruct them on what they did well or poorly so that they can have some life lessons to draw from in their early adult years.
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