Childish or Coddled?

I read an article the other day where a man explained how his seven year old son had concerns regarding death.  It was a traumatic experience for the man as he viewed his son too young and tender to comprehend the travesty of life.  Although it was a good article regarding how a parent can relate the Plan of Salvation God has for us, I found myself irritated at the naïve view of its author. 

I look at society now and see it is common to marry older, perhaps never and co-habitating with one's parents is not only acceptable but expected!  There is a lot of talk about when a child is "ready" for discussion of adult things - except for sexual promiscuity of course.  We don't expect children to earn places and feel the sting of defeat when they fail.  They are not to be exposed to the reality of how violent this world is or the fact of death.  No, they don't even need to secure a job as it is too difficult for them. 

It is no wonder to me that the rising generation takes so little thought regarding self-sufficiency - they are told since birth to wait until they are older.  This goes against all societal developments - it defies the natural order of things set in place by God.  Teenagers are torn between their natural drive to explore and develop their place in this world and the disappointing treatment they receive from adults that deny them progress. 

This makes them either severely abrasive and prone to even more juvenile decisions or beats them to complacency and they accept that someone in this world has succeeded at their expense and thus they are owed something.

My wife found a great quote some years ago, it goes something like this:

I am not raising my children to be good kids, I am raising them to be good adults.

We have completely lost this view in life.  Every adult my age laments the "good ole days" when they roamed the neighborhood as children, yet they refuse to let their child be denied an award even when the child fails on all metrics.  Or they then decide what is "suitable" for a child and what is not - teaching the child at every turn that he does not have to ever make a choice or be held accountable.  Then, naturally, when the child reaches the age of "man" and still acts as though he need not decide or take accountability for his behaviors - everyone loses their minds. 

Life Expectancy

This made me wonder - what did we expect in times past?  Given that the life expectancy has gone from as young as 22 to the current of around 80 in the past 500 years - it could not have always been this way.

By today's standards, a man at the end of his life expectancy in England during 1558 should still be firmly tied by the apron strings and still avoid "adulting" as much as possible.  This begs to question, how is it possible for society to have subsisted for so long if these ages are so inherently incapable?  Of course, wisdom and temperance is gained with experience - which requires age for us humans, but it does not explain how families were made, children were taught trades, skills and societal expectations with how we treat youth today. 

Family Structure

I know it is common for people to be offended at Mohammed for his marriage to the 6 year old bride, but I wonder how many people realize that this was rather common for the Christian & Jewish cultures as well. 

Juliet in Shakespeare's romance was nearly an old maid and about 13 years old.  Marriages as young as 7 were common - they were to wait to consummate the marriage until after the first menstruation, however. 

With all this in mind, that child this man was concerned about could have been married at his age.  He could have been a father in only 5 or 6 years. 

What about War?

Midshipmen began as young as 8 years old in the British Navy.  Let that sink in for a bit, a child barely in 2nd grade could have been in a position of authority aboard a warship in a time when battles at sea were probably the safest venture the ship entered. 

With the lack of mathematical understandings, ships did not stay aright as they do now; there were no GPS or modern maps to chart by; no weather models to know when a storm would hit; no food chain or understanding how to prevent illnesses such as scurvy; the list goes on and on for the perils they faced. 

Yet, the Royal Navy did this for over a hundred years - rather successfully I might add.  The Royal Navy was a terror to others afloat. 

Summary

I am not advocating we return to such extreme ages for marriage or sexual conduct, but it is important realize the potential of children.  They can comprehend amazing things - they are very adaptable and learn much faster than we adults.  If we take the time to explain things to them, trust that they are budding adults eager and ready to face this world - then I think we will be pleasantly surprised in the results. 

The ultimate age I think we must consider is the age of reasoning God as set - He has informed us that a child is capable of knowing the difference between right & wrong at the age of eight.  That is why we baptize at that age - the child is now accountable for his own decisions. 

I look at my son, who turns 10 this year, and he already does his own laundry; cooks things such as pizza, eggs and soups; and is beginning to learn how to work with electronics and programming.  My daughter is not far behind him in age or in learning. 

Contrast this to the amount of people who have no idea how to cook (the article is in Australia, but for some reason I couldn't find much about cooking in America).  We need to start treating our children like the adults they will become.  This includes entrusting them with duties around the house, allowing them to feel the sting of failure and defeat as well as how to temper the euphoria of success. 

There is no "magical" age where suddenly children are capable of understanding our fallen world - I challenge any adult who claims to understand it fully to be either an idiot or a liar.  Instead of teaching our children to squander their tender years, we ought to have them invest it into their future success and independence. 

Value of Life

I had a captain that taught that we as people should always invite council from those that come from different backgrounds into our trainings as we will always default to what we know when the time counts.  He was introducing his platoon of newly minted lieutenants to the principles of indirect fire. 

Most of us grew up on video games and movies showing that direct fire weapons were used in eliminating the enemy.  While it seems this does happen, the kill ratio proves it is not the most efficient method - in the battle for Fallujah, the US averaged 250,000 rounds fired per insurgent killed. 

There aren't any statistics for it, but the kill ratio for indirect fire is much more efficient.  Essentially, direct fire is used for holding the enemy in place, and then you lob an explosive over their cover.  That is modern warfare tactics in a nutshell. 

The point to this tangent is that most people would not think of such a strategy based on their cultural training from media.  This thought process must be learned and refined through technical knowledge and proficiency training. 

Ironically enough, the Marine Corps trained me in the value of investment more than anything else.  Being a supply officer, I was not in the business of taking life, but of sustaining it.  It was for me to translate the priorities of the unit commander into monetary controls.  I denied good requests that were needed - sometimes urgently - but were not in line with where the unit priorities were. 

Now that I have left the Corps, I continue this training of what I know - I fund what my wife and I care for.  We want to be free from debt and to enjoy family vacations.  As result, we do not eat out much or see movies in the theater - we don't even pay for cable TV.  We keep a car that we own and hate because we own it.  Our house seems to shrink each year, but we are firm with staying put. 

Recently, I have thought about the concept of the life through a financial view.  Each of us has purchased a life and it will cost us death.  We left the eternal realm of Father's to come to this corner of His creations to experience mortality.  It was always to be temporary, so death was the liability levied against our revenue of time. 

What we choose to expense our time on while we are here is up to us.  I know many people that make more money than I do, yet my wife and I seem to have more buying power than them.  We certainly travel more regularly with our children - and soon that travel will include international expeditions.  We have set a list of priorities and goals for our family and spend accordingly.  There is nothing wrong with how other families spend their money, but it proves the point that a focused expenditure can result in spectacular results. 

Back to the view of time, I am not a sports fan.  There are many reasons for it, so I will leave it at that.  I have never been nor will I ever appreciate the hobby of watching sports.  I do enjoy learning, writing and developing my hobbies.  When I published my first book (self published) many exclaimed that they could not understand how I found the time.  The answer is rather easy for me,  I do not know anything about any of the many teams or athletes that those I associate with can rattle off about for hours. 

I have not found some secret method of unlocking more hours in my day, I simply expend them differently.  I can go on about legal precedence and constitutional implications of politics - I can reiterate lessons learned from empires long gone in the next breath.  The names, dates and places slide off my tongue with ease - but I cannot tell you the name of the actor in my favorite TV show.  Often times, I can't even remember the character's name the following day. 

I read a wonderful article the other day from "The Art of Manliness" about how a man achieves maturity.  To sum it up, when a male produces more than he consumes, he has achieved manhood.  If only we as society viewed our time in this way, but instead, we seek pleasure without end - of course this is the end state of Marxism. 

The truth is, one day we will all stand to be judged of how we spent our time here on Earth.  We will have to publicly review our decisions and actions through the lens of eternal impact.  At that day, I wonder how it will feel.  I certainly hope that at that day I shall not be found wanting.  I hope that my actions will have developed power through honor and integrity by the investment of my time into fulfillment of duties and creation of good. 

Entertainment is needed, as is sleep and lulls of productivity.  All of these provide us a rounded view in life and increase our capacity to appreciate success and absorb the stress that comes with it.  The key is that we do the fun things with that intent as opposed to doing the hard things only to enjoy our off time. 

We must accept that the price of our life is death - it is up to us to determine whether or not it is worth the purchase. 

Family Councils

Last year, an apostle guided us to conduct family decisions and planning via "Family Councils".  In addition to the humor in it - reference to an "MP-3" player & "poking" on Facebook - it has slowly distilled upon my mind for the past many months. 

My wife and I have resolved to apply the guidance in our home and initial results have already verified its usefulness.  We have managed to get into a routine of having Family Home Evening (FHE) over the past year or so - this is where one day a week we teach our children aspects of the gospel.  We have done this on Sundays given my client work capitalizes my time Monday evenings - the traditional night for it. 

Scheduling

A few weeks ago, we expanded our FHE to include councils.  We weren't sure what to discuss at first, so we started with scheduling.  Manda got the kids their own hanging calendars and everything - they loved it!  We sit at the table after dinner and review what is coming up first that week and then any major events coming up in the next month. 

A fun result of this is that we are actually starting to plan fun activities when we realize we have a free afternoon or weekend. 

Goal Achievement

We then added goal discussions.  Each of us have listed our New Year Resolutions and we set weekly goals that we track, review and discuss after scheduling.  This has been a great way to show the kids how we can work towards goals.  Sometimes we don't achieve it and that is an opportunity to learn and improve.  Sometimes the goal was wrong - which is also a chance to learn how to set goals. 

As we go through the week, the kids are beginning to learn how to work on their goals.  Our son wants to learn electronics - so he works with a kit we got him that has hardware or he spends time on code.org - a great site that teachings the concepts of programming. 

Our daughter wants to learn how to make bracelets and knit, so she is working with her separate looms and needles.  She finally used an extension to her loom my mother got her late last year and made a new bracelet with small rubber bands.  It was too small, so we talked about how to learn how to make it bigger the following week. 

The kids certainly didn't know how to plan, but I think as we grow this into a habit, we will be able to instill some sense of discipline and self-motivation that will support them throughout their lives. 

Problem Resolution

After the first several counsels, my wife and I discussed how we were tired of our kids either complaining or throwing temper tantrums over chores and school work.  In the past - this has resulted in a punishment we inflict upon them with great prejudice, but we are tiring of that approach.  Not only is it not very enjoyable as a parent - it clearly is not having the desired impacts. 

So, we decided to bring the kids in the conversation and outlined our frustrations with them.  They were very timid at first with it, not really sure what to do.  We discussed a holistic reward & punishment option and they had some great input.  The following Monday, Manda started the school day with a small discussion of what all had to be completed.  They came up with their own timelines for school & chores and what the consequences of achieving or missing the timelines. 

That day resulted in our son playing the Xbox before dinner - something he has not been able to do for months.  Our daughter drug her feet a bit, but she finished her work about 15 minutes behind him - something that had not happened for months either. 

We are at the genesis of this, but I have high hopes for the sustained results!

Executive Counsel

My wife and I have had what Elder Ballard referred to as "Executive Counsels" - a fancy way of saying husband and wife reviewing status of the relationship, family and household - for much of our marriage, if not regularly.  They began as a necessity given our dire financial situation in college.  We started to budget then and they have been a semi-regular meeting since then. 

We have stringent goals for our lives - being debt free before our oldest leaves home, visiting each continent as well before he leaves.  I take it further with my desire to be a millionaire - but that is by the time I'm 50 so a bit longer of a timeline...  All of these require diligent use of funds.  Some activities would be great but would take away from the greater goal. 

By us meeting more regularly to discuss more than finances, however, we are discussing each child and what we need to do for that child's development.  For example, we are discussing how we can improve the spirit in our home with the entertainment we let in and participate with. 

Summary

Counsels are truly the way God would have us lead.  He taught us with His perfect example in counseling with the Gods before the developed this Earth and The Plan of Salvation.  They provide the ability for each member of the counsel to engage stewardship and accountability.  All grow together.  Such loving guidance, I am grateful for the lesson Elder Ballard taught and I look forward to adding to my list of why I think counsels are great for the family.