Manly Defined, Faithful

Previously, I posted about how "manly" is achieved with Soberness and by being Resolute.  This is the third and final post about how a man becomes sufficiently "manly" in order to fulfill the three P's (Provide, Preside & Protect).

Much of what men are revered for is their ability to fulfill duty - this is because the central purpose of manhood is to care for others.  A man that does not stretch and grow his ability to care for himself, his family and the others in his life is a man without respect.  The unspoken & unwritten expectation of service is missing and therefore the "man" will always be less than desired.

This is why, even if a man is Sober & Resolute, he must still be Faithful.  He must be true to himself, his family and his God.

Faithful to Self

As with all things in manhood - faithfulness begins with the ability to be true to self.  I was working out with my son the other day and I told him to a certain number of bicycle kicks for our abs set.  He finished in about a quarter of the time it ought to have taken him and so when my 2 minutes of misery were up, I asked him how many he had done.  He claimed to have done the requested number, so I took the opportunity to teach him a life lesson.

By him taking the shortcut in a workout, he would not be graded poorly and I wouldn't be able to prove he had cheated.  He could go through the workout with me pretending to exert himself and there would be no penalty.  No addition of chores, no lectures for poor performance, no denial of play time or any other lever my wife and I pull when the kids don't feel like doing their homework.  I explained to him that what would happen, however, is that he would never develop his body.  He would fail to learn how to subject his body to his will and he would not get stronger.

I asked him if he wanted to be strong like me, which he eagerly answered "yes".  That is when I told him that I didn't cheat in my workouts.  I never took a shortcut, I don't walk - I don't let up.  I push myself until I have either reached the predetermined count or the timer goes off.  I don't care if I puke, get dizzy or feel nauseous - my body is subjected to my will.

He thought about it for a minute and then laid down and finished his bicycle kicks.  For the rest of the workout period, he gave his all and produced a good sweat for the first time.  You could see his self confidence grow as he realized he could do more than what he had done in the past.

After that workout, he has been eager to continue exercising with me.  We'll see how long it continues, but he has achieved a key milestone on his way to manhood - being Faithful to himself.

Too often in life we decide to give ourselves a break because we are tired or we think we earned it.  I don't refute the idea of re-charging to ensure you are ready for the stress, but the concept of earning "breaks" is about the dumbest thing I have heard these metrosexual wannabes pretending to be men teach.  A man's goal should not be rest but accomplishment.  Accomplishment requires work and dedication.  If our inner drive is work hard to rest, then we will start cutting corners in our work.

This is the same for everything we have in life - if my goal is not to love and serve my wife, then selfish desires will rule the moments of stress in our marriage - which is a recipe for failure.

Stress has a great way of revealing what really matters, which is why we must know ourselves in advance of the dire moment.  If we are truly Faithful to self, then the review and inventory of desires and progress will provide accurate insight as to how our progression is coming along.

Faithful to Family

All men have families - even if they are not yet married, they come from one.  Many men build bonds of brotherhood as well - this is seen in the military, fire departments and other dangerous professions.  In the absence of these, there are fraternal organizations and other social areas - essentially, men are a social creature.  We value ourselves based on our ability to contribute to those we include in our lives.

All of these are admirable, but the cornerstone should be the emphasis a man places on his family.  Men ought to be focused on marrying and building their family as this is the crowning aspect of the three P's.  A man is faithful to his family while he is single by having the appropriate focus on preparing to care for one.  This should guide how the man dates, works and secures adequate income.

Once married, a man must be faithful to his wife.  This means he does not joke about her in a negative way - the old "ball & chain" or "the boss" terms reveal friction in what is to be the most dear relationship to a man.  Even if there is friction, a public audience is not appropriate.

This also includes his fidelity in thought.  Seeking fantasies and desires of other women - no matter how famous - is unacceptable behavior.  Many crass and loathsome people justify selfish desires for debauchery with select persons - their "hall pass" if you will - but this is not being faithful to your spouse.  A man must be above this and must not accept such behaviors from his wife.

Being faithful to other people includes setting rules of how they may treat you.  Without such clear communication, a man will develop distaste and irritation towards those in his life.  There will be a silent void filled with animosity that the man creates each time he is treated in a way that is inconsistent with what he desires.  This is why a man must clearly state what is expected from those in his life, cowardly silence in martyring of self is beneath manhood.

A man must also be faithful to his children.  This is achieved by his focus towards them - how does he spend his time and money?  Does he expend his scarce resources in the pursuit of individual interests, or does he devote his resources to those that depend on him?  I see many men with new phones and toys but their children are denied vacation time with them as they "cannot afford it".  I have also seen many kids with fancy toys yet lack the valued mentorship a father provides.

If a man is to be faithful to his family - he must invest all that he has in their betterment.  They must be the focus that drives his actions.

Faithful to God

The root word of Faithful is Faith, so it is an easy step to discuss how Faith in and towards God is the crowning aspect of becoming "manly".  Perhaps what is different by what I mean by this is what being Faithful to my Father means to me.  I do not view faith as some flippant emotion like the new age crap that is sold in many churches these days.  Faith in Christ is not some "self-help" guide, it is the stringent submission of will and action to our Savior and to the Father.

God, our Father, loves us not because we are good but because He is good.  He has given us this sacred opportunity to develop and grow ourselves sufficiently to return to His presence.  Naturally, this is beyond our pathetic abilities, so in His wisdom, He provided us a Savior, Jesus Christ.  Our Savior completed all the will of the Father, fulfilling His demands and became our new law giver.  The price of admission is simple - all that we have to give.

All that we have sounds like much to us in a material culture, but it really isn't that much.  Let us not forget that Christ created all that we have under the direction of the Father - there is nothing physical that They do not already own.  The only thing we truly own, is our birthright.  We are heirs of the God of all, with that comes the ability of free will.  The only thing that is ours, is only ours because of our Father and Savior - and it is the price we must pay: our agency.

To be Faithful to God means to bear his name with dignity.  Not as a mindless zealot shrieking at those that disbelieve or disagree, but as Christ did - with Resolute, Soberness.  We must not be ashamed or embarrassed of the actions required by God.  How insulting is it to parents when the children apologize to their friends over what the parents have demanded?  Now imagine how arrogant it is for us to apologize for what God has told us to do.  It is astounding how common place this is.

I see many yearn for life without rules, they find the disobedience of others to be appealing, much like Lot's wife did.  They reveal their intent with their forbidden desires.  To desire sin is to mock God, to apologize for obedience is to patronize Him.  To not seek His guidance and will is willful rebellion.  All of these are beneath a man of God.

For a man to be truly Faithful, he must study himself for broken desires and seek guidance from the Master in how to dismantle them.  Each day must be a sacrament to God in how the man focuses on his duties - ensuring that his wife and children will find faith in his example.

This is the capstone of being "manly" - a Sober mind, Resolutely engaged in being Faithful to self, family and God.  

Manly Defined, Resolute

This is the second post regarding how men become "manly" enough to achieve the three P's: Provide, Preside & Protect.  The three P's are what men do and I am trying to quantify how men become "manly" enough to achieve them.

In my first post about defining what "manly" is, I outlined how a man is of a sober mind.  It seems to be the most reasonable starting point as a man ought to understand how to connect with others.  That begins with the ability to be reasonable and in control of his faculties.

Once that is achieved, a man can change how others depend on him.  To be clear, it is required for a man to be depended upon - it is what we do.  As we Provide, Preside & Protect, we gather others under our umbrella of influence.  Which means it is not manly to be dependent.  Self sufficiency is an obvious milestone on the route to becoming a man.  As a boy grows into adolescence, his father should encourage him adventuring out and building his own kingdom.

If we are to be honest, that is what we men want - our own kingdom.  We want our claim in land and revenues to ensure our influence is felt and matters.  We want to have something for our wife to nurture.  This is part of being Resolute.

Resolute is to be admirably purposeful, determined and unwavering.  I see 4 aspects in which a man must be Resolute in his life: Body, Emotions, Mind & Spirit.

In Body

The most basic area of our life, the physical capsule by which we experience life.  As broken and frail as it is, our bodies are capable of amazing feats.  Historically, cultures had rites of passage for boys to become men - these varied extremely but all tended to revolve around overcoming pain and being physically capable.

Boys that were not capable of enduring pain were not worthy of manhood, likewise with those that were weak and unhealthy.  This goes back to the fulfillment of the three P's.  Whereas I am glad many of the rites are done away with, they prove the point that all societies have viewed a man as someone who had to be in control of their body.  Why, is the question.

To me, it begins with the concept of trust.  I will not take financial advice from a person with no assets, nor will I take shooting advice from someone who has only played Call of Duty.  A man that is Resolute in how he maintains his body shows that he has at least subverted the most basic common denominator we mortals have.  How can you trust someone to Protect you, to Provide for you or to Preside over you - if he has not done those things for himself?

If a man were to disregard his health and lose control of his body - he surrenders his will to the lowest common denominator of all humanity.  That is not a complimentary statement.

A man needs to be looked up to.  This begins with self control - something that cannot be faked.

With Emotions

Life is full of ups and downs.  I remember a key meeting a few years ago I was in as a consultant.  We hit a critical discussion with our client and our leadership stated that if things didn't change, they would end the deal.  The client was very upset and the meeting ended poorly.  Afterwards, I discussed it with my mentor (she was the one that told the client we would end the deal) and I had one question for her: was this normal?

Inside my head, thoughts were whirling around regarding my future employment but my mentor put me at ease by answering my question with a "yes".  The difference between her and I?  She was accustomed to how these type of deals went as opposed to what I was - a Marine Officer trying to figure out what everyone was saying.  In other words, experience.

Our emotions are this way as well.  I recall watching kids in high school listen to soundtracks and their moods would change from song to song.  I thought it pathetic then and I see no reason to change my mind.  With all that happens in life, a man must be Resolute with his emotions if he is to be dependable.

This will bring a calming presence to his sphere of influence - something that is needed at all points in life.  People make far too many stupid decisions because they are on an emotional high or low, they flippantly bounce from one to the other at a rate that makes the decisions seem almost logical.  I have heard many state "it was worth it!" as justification for a wretched choice.

As children develop and grow, they will have many confusing days and nights where they need a Resolute authority figure to anchor themselves to.  This is for the father.  As we live and experience life, we ought to learn how to be Resolute emotionally.  We must be stable and not allow the hiccups of routine occurrences impact our emotional state.  This will provide the security a man's children need, as does his wife and as those he leads in other aspects of life.

In Mind

Perhaps this is more difficult these days, I'm not sure.  True, we have more knowledge at our fingertips than ever before in the human experience, but we also are more easily distracted.  I watch the neighborhood kids cruise around with one hand on their bike / scooter and the other on their phone.

I have no idea what would be so fascinating for a 10 year old that would require such a constant fixation, but I see it all the time.  Same as when I travel - I once saw someone state we had less than a 5 minute wait at an airport and about half the line sat down and pulled out their phones.  It was eerie as it was all in sync.

Regardless of the source of distraction - it is key for a man to withstand them and be Resolute mentally.  As he does this, he will stay focused and enable the application of his knowledge.  He will understand what is going around him, ensuring that his involvement will be productive.

When it is time to learn and study, he will not cede to slothful or playful behaviors, rather, he will apply his intellect in a way that will ensure his mind will be expanded.

When his children discuss concerns with him, he will be focused on them and only them - gaining their confidence in both his attention as well as his ability to respond in the needed way.

Likewise, whenever he is interacting with someone, he will be Resolute mentally and be there with that person.  This action of becoming a reliable and trusted confidante is crucial to fulfilling the three P's.

In Spirit

I have listed these in an ascending order, beginning with the most base and then working through the more complex facets of how a man ought to be Resolute.  In spirit is the capstone to all of these as after a man has become a Resolute individual, he must be Resolute in his acknowledgement of who he serves.

For me, this is Christ.  I cannot claim Him as my Master unless I first gain control of myself.  If I am an unruly person - either physically, emotionally or mentally - how can I offer devotion to anyone?  I cannot be Resolute in my devotion to my God and King, the Savior of my soul, if I am not first at the helm in my life.

As a man develops this control, he can find that inner peace that comes only from the confirming protection of a Master that has accepted him.  How confident he will become as the Master takes him in and gives him comfort and security with his guidance.

Without service to someone greater, then a man devolves to self worship, twisting the three P's into some cruel perversion of what was intended.  With the service to someone greater, the man is elevated in his ability to perform the three P's and will draw other successful people to him.

The building upon a Sober mind with a Resolute man leads to his ability to be Faithful, which will be the next post.

See the first post: Manly Defined, Sober
See the third post: Manly Defined, Faithful

Manly Defined, Sober

This will be a series of 3 posts outlining the characteristics I define "manly" by.  I have listened to many try to explain this, but it isn't something that is easy to do.  It is much easier to define what men do - this is given to us: Provide, Preside & Protect.  But how does a man become "manly" enough to accomplish these things?

My wife got me thinking about this a few months ago when she outlined what a woman is to our daughter: Courageous, Happy & Kind.  It has really helped our daughter see how off the mark her temper tantrums are as well as numerous other points of obstinance.  What is great about it, is that we are no longer just punishing for something wrong, we are also encouraging what is right.  It is a complete discipline cycle now.

I have struggled with choosing words to use with our son and now that I have chosen the ones I define "manly" with, I still find them difficult to convey to a child.  I am hoping that as I continue refining my view, I will be able to explain them simply enough for my son.

The three defining characteristics of what makes a man "manly" are as follows:

1. Sober - regarding the attitude and outlook in life
2. Resolute - in body, emotions, spirit and mind
3. Faithful - to self, family and God

Defining Sober

First off, it must be acknowledged how pathetic our society now is considering "sober" means simply - free from drug or drink.  To me, that is like saying to prepare for Olympic competitions, I won't eat McDonald's 3 times a day for two years.  Whereas, yes, diet control is a key component in preparing for athletic competitions - something as base as abstaining from steady fast food isn't even worth mentioning to a serious athlete.

To be sober or of sober mind, a man must control his attitude in life.  It must be appropriate for the circumstance in which the man is in and never in excess.  For instance - think of a party and there is that one insecure guy that is just over-the-top in all that he does at the party.  He really lives the party, dude!  To the point, people only laugh because they are laughing at him and his invitations go down equal to the rate he tries to party harder.

Or on the flip side, imagine a funeral where a man collapses and publicly loses control of his faculties.  Some misguided and insecure few may go to comfort him, but the desire of all - and action of most - will be to put distance between them and the man.  Why?  Not because they are selfish, but because the man can't be helped by them.  Someone who has lost control of their inner self cannot be assisted by others.

There is nothing wrong with enjoying oneself at a party or mourning the loss of a loved one, but there are bounds of which the emotions of the time must be limited to.  It is indeed manly to experience all the emotions of the human experience, but only with the appropriate people and in the appropriate circumstance and to the appropriate amount.  To do otherwise is to breed embarrassment, both towards yourself (as you ought to feel shame after you regain control) and in others that are witnessing the behavior.

A great example here - just as my wife and I were dating and things were beginning to look serious, we had a college professor that made a comment about how we would soon be wed.  I stopped holding my wife's hand and hardly talked to her for a day or so.  Why?  Not because it was a horrid option, but because that level of commitment was beyond what I had with my wife at that time.

Think of awkward dating stories where men and women profess love too soon, it is not sober at all.  It is insecure, irrational and void of depth.  When I did propose to my wife, I did so in a sober fashion.  We had just finished watching a movie together and I knelt before her as she sat on the couch and calmly explained to her how I had lived my life in a way to prepare for having a family.  I told her that I had been searching for someone to advance through life with and I wanted it to be her.

She cried, I held her while she gained control and we set a date.  I was not a braggart by calling upon the masses of strangers in a public place to add drama to the special moment.  Instead, I did so in a sober fashion, I was in control of my faculties as I expressed my desires for marriage to my sweetheart.  I gave the proposal the private respect it deserved, an intimate moment between two people in love.

Why is it a "Manly" Characteristic?

When you view a man as someone who Presides in his home and conquers the world to Protect and Provide for his family, you imagine a reputable man.  Someone that others respect and heed his advice - not some flippant man-boy that arrogantly or naively flitters from one emotion to the next.

It is not possible to think well of someone who cannot act appropriately - that type of person generates embarrassment.  A man should be a source of wisdom and comfort, which is rooted in how sober he is - in other words, how capable he is to be reasonable, to be calm and in control of himself.  He must measure his thoughts, words & deeds against the desired impact and choose his actions based on expected consequence.

Think also of the impact this is for the family.  As the husband and father is to Preside over his family - how can they respect him if he cannot first show that self control that is a result of a sober mind?  How can a wife revere her husband as wise if he vacillates on his principles and desires?  Or how can the children have a feeling of security if their father is erratic?  Some days he comes home screaming in anger and others singing in praise - but it is all dependent on the results of something outside of the home (employment, politics, etc.) and their needs are subordinate to their father's irrational swing of emotions.

A man, a true man, must be of sober mind.  When he is, all around him will acknowledge this and treat him as such.

This is also a foundation for the next characteristic - to be Resolute.  You cannot become Resolute until you first have the self awareness to understand the impact of your words and actions.

See the second post: Manly Defined, Resolute
See the third post: Manly Defined, Faithful