Patience

Patience is one of those virtues I have never really thought much on.  There are plenty of jokes around it, but I have never seen a serious discussion on it until about 2 weeks ago when I found this talk from Elder Maxwell (he was an apostle in my church until he died in 2004).  It is a very long speech, but well worth the read.

In summary of it, Elder Maxwell explains how patience is tied to humility, faith, liberty & love.  It made me think about how I respond in my life when things don't go as I want them to go.  If considered, impatience is the demanding of others (God included at times) to adhere to your timeline, refusing them the liberty and opportunity to make their own decisions.  This is incredibly arrogant when you look at what it actually is.

Then, on the flip side, look at how patient God and Christ are with us.  They have given clear, simple guidance in how to obey them - yet we demand all of our earthy years to figure out how to obey.  Such love they have, both for us and for liberty.  They value our opinion so much, that they ensure we have time given to us where we can repent, or not repent.  Such tolerance, the Creators of the universe allow us, imperfect and obstinate creatures space and time to decide if God and our Savior are good enough for us to obey.

Patience as a Husband

As hard as it may be to believe, my wife and I argue.  I know, with a catch like me, why would she ever need to disagree, right?

On a serious note, we are coming up on 10 years of marriage this year and we are still finding areas where we disagree what the best option ought to be in our discussions.  We also both think very differently, whereas I tend to think silently, she thinks by talking.  We do have a good handle on communication, but there are still moments when we frustrate each other and it usually boils down to perspective and how we process things.

It has become a true exercise of love and respect as we have learned to accept each other for our differences - without hesitation.  I have had to learn how to speak my thoughts to my wife - something that is very difficult for me to do.  I enjoy pondering lots of things in life but I have never really shared my thoughts. It was quite the transition for me to learn that I needed to share the things my mind dwells on all day with my wife.

Then, once I shared them, I had to learn that it was good for her to challenge them as we discussed them.  To compound to all of this, I had to learn to shut up and let her think out loud as she worked on disagreeing with my thoughts with me being her sounding board...  That part was totally easy...

For my wife, she learned that she needed to give me space and time to think on things and that when she is developing her opinion by thinking out loud, she can help me by telling me that she just needs a sounding board at that time.

It is fun to joke now about our differences, we can now - without guile - tease each other for the differences.  It has brought such a unity in our relationship, such a confidence in knowing that we are loved for who we are - no fine print needed.  Of course we have much more to learn in this aspect of our life - we do not yet know what we do not yet know.  I am simply grateful we have the foundation to learn it together.

Patience as a Father

Unlike the relationship I have with my wife, I must own the direction of the relationship I have with my children.  They do not understand concepts such as emotional bank accounts or trust economics well enough to alter their behavior to improve a relationship.  They understand love and patience as the recipients very well, however.  As with all children, they know when they are valued and when they are not.

It is also an interesting line to walk, allowing for their liberty while guiding them to the right decisions.  Naturally, I will control their choices when it comes to things like playing with fire or in the street, but as they get older, how much should I control?  For now, we have easy rules: we all go to church, we all treat Mom with respect, no temper tantrums allowed and chores must be done before playtime.

I have found it helps to build that relationship of trust now with the kids.  For instance, we have our kids wash dishes by hand.  This may seem odd in such a modern and convenient day we live in, but there are two things we accomplish with this:

First - the dishes actually get cleaned.  I get tired of how many times I found dried food on "clean" dishes coming out of the dishwasher.  Of course, people always point out you have to rinse / clean the dish before putting it in the dishwasher, at which point I wonder how they actually increase efficiency.

Second - the kids learn a valuable skill and work ethic of cleaning their home.  One day, they will be on their own and there is no guarantee there will be a dishwasher or that they will have anyone helping encourage them to clean up after themselves.

When we first started having them do the dishes however, I think the first generation dishwasher had a better hitting average for how clean the dishes were.  They would wash greasy pans first, ensuring all the dishes were neatly coated in the drying racks or ignore whole sections of dishes or somehow dishes ended up in the drying rack with almost no change from when they were dirtied.

It was frustrating - it was taking more time and energy from my wife and I (more hers than mine) to ensure we had dishes to use in the house.  Time has passed, however, and now they do a fairly good job in cleaning the kitchen.  We gave them time to learn it, continued to coach them through it and now they are almost on autopilot - after we get them into the kitchen to start that is.

This is a small example where we did well as parents in letting undesirable results for a time frame while we let the kids learn how to do it correctly.  We do not always do this, but I think about examples like this when I am frustrated with their progress and then I realize that if I have patience and give them time and support, they will exceed my expectations every time.

Patience with others

In our church, we serve a lot.  We have assignments to stop by other family's to see how they are and help them as much as we can.  If it is beyond our ability to help, we are expected to help coordinate the required support.  This is not always easy, the family may not want you to come by and you may not like them.

There is a solution to this without throwing in the towel, however.  Christ served all and has promised us that He will qualify the people He calls.  In other words, if we learn to emulate His example by finding a balance in supporting others while not controlling their choices - He will make it successful.

None of us are perfect and we all need help at some point in our life.  It is true, some need more help than others, but all of this is irrelevant when you view the fact that we all need Christ everyday.  He does not complain about us, not even when we continue to make the same mistakes.  He gives us time and space here in mortality to learn to be more like Him so that, hopefully, one day He will represent us to our Father in Heaven and recommend entrance to God's Kingdom.

Who are we to deny others the time and space they need for improvement?  So what if someone struggles a bit more publicly than someone else, it does not make them worth less.  Nor does it make it any more right for us to judge them harshly for it.

Different than not caring

With all of this, it is important to understand that if you give a wayward child room to learn and hopefully return, it does not mean that you condone the wrongful acts.  Rather, you accept that the child has agency to act and think for himself.

To have patience with people that do not understand economics and want to turn my beloved homeland into a despairing communist experiment does not mean I view their recommendations as equal to my own.  I can give people room to be wrong without condoning it.  I have the civil right to vote in accordance with my views in life just as they do.  The fact of disagreement does not nullify either view, it simply requires maturity so that individual respect is still maintained.

Sometimes, we must force other people's hands as well.  As a manager, I drive cost reductions and deadlines that are very binding on the decisions others can make.  (I wonder how much of that is comparable to life with God: if He is a God of laws and rules - there must be hurdles for Him to overcome as He advances His will.)  But even as I force decisions, there are times when you cannot do more, someone will say no and you can't change that answer without first changing several other things.

This does not make that employee a bad one, they could potentially be one of the better ones that had the foresight to warn you.  You must have patience, however, to discern between the lazy nay-sayer and the employee with foresight.

Summary

If the God of the universe can have patience with us by allowing us to develop into the people we desire to be, who are we to control others?  They may not think like us, they may even hate our beliefs, but who are we to restrain their ability to think and act as they do?

I still have much to learn in patience, but I am grateful for a loving Father in Heaven that has granted me space and time to learn such eternal precepts.  He has furthered His infinite wisdom and care by providing the perfect sacrifice, our Savior, without who, it would not matter how much space and time God granted to us - we would never improve enough to regain His presence.

This is my hope, however, that I will continue to learn how my Father would have me use His gift of time and space in preparation for the day I will stand to be judged of my Savior.  

Death & Duties

No one knows when they will die, but we all know we will.  For one reason or another, I have thought a lot about my death in my life so far.  I fear it as it is an approaching deadline I do not know if I can fully prepare for.  How is it we know that we have sufficiently used the time we have here on Earth?

To answer part of that, I think about how we view this life - it is a part of our eternal existence as the children to our Father in Heaven.  Not all things will be accomplished here - they cannot be by design.  Therefore, if we are to have confidence in the usage of our time, we must understand how our duties are effected by death.

For a few months, I have been considering the limitations of myself (a fallen, mortal man) and how that impacts my ability to fulfill the duties I have been charged with by God.  As a son of His & Christ, a child to my parents, a husband to my wife and father to my children - I have much expected of me.

Child of God & of Christ

As a Child of God & of Christ, I must submit to Christ as my Master and acknowledge God before all other gods (in that He is separate from Christ & the Holy Ghost in the godhead and the first commandment is to put no other gods before Him).  I then must obey the commands Christ has given - which I began with baptism.  That would be many blogs just on that topic but is easily summarized thankfully through the atonement of Christ.

The atonement allows for progression - for continued improvement as long as we seek it.  When we die and enter the Spirit World, we will still be afforded opportunities to grow and become more converted to our Savior - if we so choose.  We can also choose to give up, to stagnate our growth, but this is essentially the same for here and the Spirit World.

Child of my parents

Child to my parents - another commandment here to honor them.  This is more than just speaking kindly to them, it is also speaking kindly of them.  Acknowledging what they have done for me in my life.  Even as I have disagreements with them, I must honor the sacrifices they have made, I must support them in their life pursuits and ensure my children know who they are.

This does not change with their death, which thankfully, both of my parents are still alive and well, but one day they will die.  It will be for me to ensure their descendants know them and what they did in their life so that they will be connected still.

Death does not remove or surrender my duty to obey my God & honor my parents.

Husband to my wife

As a husband to my wife - I am the provider for her in both monies and the priesthood in our home.  I am to support her as she pursues dreams and counsel her and be counseled by her when it comes to the guidance from God.  In every way, we are partners.

What if I were to die, however?  How can I support my wife?  That is in part answered with how we live.  My wife and I have chosen to live simply, we do not incur much debt and do not use credit cards.  Currently, we have a mortgage and an auto loan - that is all.  I have sufficient life insurance that if I were to die, then my wife could be debt free and have enough to cover the transition of her getting back into the workforce.  This does give me some comfort, knowing that my family will be supported in such a crisis.

But what about the other aspects?  A marriage is so much more than fiscal dependency - it is the blending of two lives.  I do not have actual answers for this, only thoughts & impressions - and they are mainly around having an open discussion regarding expectations if one of us dies.

My wife and I both joke that we must die together in bed as old invalids as we do not wish to re-enter the dating game, but that will probably not happen.  There is the notion that spouses die within months of each other - I could not find any data around how common that was, however.  What I could find was a study from AARP that showed about 40% of women and 13 % of men over 65 are widowed.  That is not a small amount of people. Who knows how many if it is under the age of 65.

Moving past the death of a spouse I'm sure is very difficult, one I'm not sure I would handle well.  I think having some expectations set and agreed to would help, however.  For instance, I would not want my wife to feel guilty for finding a new husband that she could share her life with if it meant her being happy.  We are sealed for eternity, I do not know how that will all work out in the life after, but I know it will all work out.

Something I thought of recently as well, was writing letters for her to be opened at key dates - letters explaining my feelings and hopes for her.  They will be fun to read together, but if I do die before the date, she will have something tangible to read from me - some means of communicating with me.

Father to my children

As for my children, I am their protector.  I protect them from hunger and the elements by providing for their basic needs, I would protect them physically if required and it is for me to protect them from the pains Satan seeks to inflict upon them by ensuring they know how to reach out to God & Christ.

This one I have thought a lot about in the past few months.  My children truly love me and seek my support in their life.  I am painfully aware of my inability to always be there for them even though I am physically here.  I have duties for work that take me away and they have their own lives that they are beginning to develop - which means sometimes I am not immediately there for them when they might wish it.  This is a result of being in a fallen and temporal world - I'm not sure how the life after works - but I would like to think that we could be more connected.

I find comfort in knowing that they know how to pray, though.  They are never alone, our Father in Heaven is always available to them and ensures they are not alone.  Their tender and innocent minds accept this fact so readily, I find myself almost envying them.  It gives me confidence that they are learning to have a foundation based on the eternal principles God has given us - this is the greatest thing I can do for them.  Money & physical presence are not guaranteed in life, but faith in God ensures the peace needed to live a happy life.

In other words - my death does not change my duty to guide my children to God while I am with them.  The only thing I can do to help them, is write letters to them for major dates that are coming up in their life.  They would be good regardless if I am there to hand them to the child or not.

In Closing

Overall - I have realized that death has no impact on my duties.  It can, however, ensure we keep things in perspective, remind us why it is important to keep a journal and to write things to our loved ones.  These things are tangible and can be saved to be re-read in lonely or difficult times.  If we truly love our families, we should ensure our impact and support for them lasts as long as we love them.  

Friend or Parent?

I remember several years ago when our children were toddlers, my wife and I were often viewed as hard-liners with our kids.  Many told us they could not do what we did as they would feel like they would be seen as "mean" parents.

I have watched as many people have focused on the fun times with their kids and avoiding the uncomfortable conversations.  I also watch as those kids push their way through crowded hallways with elderly people, or nudging a younger kid out of the way.  I see them slouch and joke when I teach and act arrogantly indifferent when I call out their disrespectful behavior.

The difference here is simple to me - parenting is about leadership, which is not about popularity or being liked.  It is about driving those in your stewardship to grow and to do the right things for the right reasons.

Leaders are not friends

In the Marine Corps, I was not in my warehouse very often - I was usually in the fiscal officer's office, checking on officers that had signed for gear or interacting with my superior in his office.  I had to learn how to hold my men accountable with minimal time - which made each time I walked through their areas an inspection.  I learned to systematically check key indicators of what my men were doing - how backed up was Shipping / Receiving, where were the forklifts? How clean were the racks & floors, were there any tire or oil stains in the aisles?

In the office, where were the receipts - which desk(s) were unorganized and cluttered?  Were my Marines in the appropriate uniform?  Did any of them look fat or soft?  Were their heads hung down with excessive complaining or were they actively engaged in their tasks?

The questions go on and on - but I would often surprise my Marines by the level of detail I knew of what was going on in my section with how little I was there.  I drove them to success, as the Officer in Charge - I was the standard bearer.  I was praised several times by colonels and even a 1 star regarding the discipline in my shop.  All in all, I was not an easy officer to work for - but I was respected.

My Marines were proud to work for me, and I was proud they were in my section.  I was not popular, but I was respected.  When it matters, that is all that counts.  I saw many other officers that acted with insecurities and were casual with their Marines.  I even saw some on a first name basis - they struggled to get their Marines to do what mine did.  I was not my Marine's friend and I was not casual with them.  I would mentor them, train them, discipline them and I drove their focus with an unforgiving list of tasks.

Interesting discovery, I have kept my phone number the same as about every 6 or 9 months, one of my Marine's call or text me seeking advice or assistance.  I have been out almost 3 years and this still holds true.  I am proud of this fact as many times I felt lonely in my shop as I watched them develop lifelong friendships - but I would not trade my relationship with them for all the friends in the world.

Parents & Children

I see parenting as the same.  My children are in a stage of life where they do not need me to be their friend.  For instance, this past month they have been struggling with the advent of approaching summer to focus on their schoolwork and chores.  My wife has struggled with keeping them focused while also getting things done around the house she needs to do.  In short, our kids have taken advantage of the fact I have been working long days and my wife was not hovering over them all day.

Many might say that they are 7 & 8, it is part of childhood.  I reject this concept.  My son has been baptized, he holds the sacred gift of the Holy Ghost.  In the eyes of God, he has reached the age of accountability and is expected to know the difference in right & wrong.  My daughter turns 8 next year and will be in the same situation.

It is our responsibility as parents to ensure we teach our children what is expected of them so that they will be ready to make their own choices.  Part of this, is obeying their Mother.  It is disrespectful and arrogant for them to think that they can negotiate the requirements laid upon them.  As such, I talked with them rather sternly regarding their failing behaviors of not completing chores & schoolwork.

We have new beds for them, still in boxes (I haven't had time to set them up yet).  Their old ones work just fine, but these beds are loft with desk-beds, which will be very nice for them as they progress in school years to have their own study areas.  I frankly told them that the desks will be going back to the store if they mess up in the next week.  They do not need them, they want them.  If they cannot respect my wife, then they do not get to have the nice things in life.

Harsh?  I don't care.  It is my duty as their father to ensure they know how to complete the tasks levied upon them.  One day, not too long from now, they will leave my home.  They will go to a world that does not care about them or their needs.  If I do not ensure they understand how to be successful, then their adult lives will suffer.  I am not raising them to have great childhoods, I am raising them to have a great adulthood.

One day, when they are grown and on their own, I will then be their friend and mentor.  My time as their parent will be in the past - it will be up to them to decide how to navigate the sea of life.  That is my focus, to be their parent, the one that will have the uncomfortable conversations that clearly instruct them on what they did well or poorly so that they can have some life lessons to draw from in their early adult years.