I think one of the best parenting decisions my wife and I made was having a bed time for our first child. It set the expectation of when my wife and I could have time for us.
We didn't think the rule was that significant, when our son was 2 months old, we would go through the diaper / feeding / burping routine at 7 in the evening and put him down in his crib (in his own room). Then, we would close the door and let him figure it out. For the first several weeks, he cried bloody murder for the first hour or so but as time went on, his body adjusted and he would get groggy around that time.
As he got older, the middle of the night feedings went away and my wife and I had time together without kids (if I was home from school & work) everyday. It was great. Enter some of the other couples we knew in college, they had kids staying up until midnight - ruling their every minute together. They were always tired, always looking for a moment of solace.
Often couples would ask us what the secret phrase or action would be to get our kids to go to sleep around 7. We would tell them what we did and almost always they would say it would be too hard to hear their child cry to do that. It would be too stressful. Or - they would just stare blankly at us, clearly not believing us.
Time progressed and we repeated the action with our daughter. We saw the same issue with other families as I began my career in the Marine Corps. This was also the first time we met other families that had set boundaries such as ours, however.
It was a visible difference in the families that had boundaries, especially with the parents and their marriage.
Self
Relationships vary based on the individual ones, but the ones that are the most stable & sustainable are the ones where each individual is a complete person and equal contributor to it. This is the same with marriages, unless each person is fully committed to the relationship, with a complete self, it will be rocky.
This can be seen when spouse is addicted to work, projects, pornography, alcohol, buying, and so on. There is something missing in that person's life and so they fill it with detrimental actions - which will impede the health of the marriage.
Granted, there are times when one spouse will take more than the other in the relationship and this can be easily absorbed in the family dynamic if it is not the norm.
This also includes pursuits in fitness, education and enjoyment. This life is more than mechanically going through the motions. We are part of an eternal plan built on the premise of growth and development.
Consider how different the rising generation would be if they saw their parents pursuing health activities, skill refinement and wholesome recreation on a regular and consistent basis. Our children learn from us how to take care of themselves - so if we are imbalanced, they will be too.
The Marriage
It is important to understand that the union of the husband and wife came (or ought to come) before the introduction of the children and should remain after the children have moved on as adults. This is the model that God has created for us and is the most stable option available to us.
Additionally - God has commanded:
The key message here - if we are to love our spouse with our whole heart, this places them ahead of our children. I know, shocking! But contrary to the common emotional discussions, our spouse should be our first priority after God.
It is surprising how many parents "stick it out" until the kids leave home and then divorce once they are empty nesters. This is a result of a lack of balance - the parents had put the kids first and their spouse second.
Not only is this bad for the marriage, it is bad to teach the kids that they are the center of the universe. I often rebuke my children for trying to interrupt the conversation I am having with my wife. It isn't that I don't want to hear them or care about what they have to say, it is they need to know that the world does not stop for them. They have to wait their turn and be patient.
Overall
No one else can develop us, we must choose to better ourselves (and hopefully this includes submission to Christ's teachings). There are many that try to compensate for their insecurities by busying themselves with other's needs - this is not healthy. We must first ensure we are capable of taking care of ourselves - which may require assistance from the family and others as needed. Once we can sustain our individual health, then we can indulge in the fullness of family relationships.
We didn't think the rule was that significant, when our son was 2 months old, we would go through the diaper / feeding / burping routine at 7 in the evening and put him down in his crib (in his own room). Then, we would close the door and let him figure it out. For the first several weeks, he cried bloody murder for the first hour or so but as time went on, his body adjusted and he would get groggy around that time.
As he got older, the middle of the night feedings went away and my wife and I had time together without kids (if I was home from school & work) everyday. It was great. Enter some of the other couples we knew in college, they had kids staying up until midnight - ruling their every minute together. They were always tired, always looking for a moment of solace.
Often couples would ask us what the secret phrase or action would be to get our kids to go to sleep around 7. We would tell them what we did and almost always they would say it would be too hard to hear their child cry to do that. It would be too stressful. Or - they would just stare blankly at us, clearly not believing us.
Time progressed and we repeated the action with our daughter. We saw the same issue with other families as I began my career in the Marine Corps. This was also the first time we met other families that had set boundaries such as ours, however.
It was a visible difference in the families that had boundaries, especially with the parents and their marriage.
Self
Relationships vary based on the individual ones, but the ones that are the most stable & sustainable are the ones where each individual is a complete person and equal contributor to it. This is the same with marriages, unless each person is fully committed to the relationship, with a complete self, it will be rocky.
This can be seen when spouse is addicted to work, projects, pornography, alcohol, buying, and so on. There is something missing in that person's life and so they fill it with detrimental actions - which will impede the health of the marriage.
Granted, there are times when one spouse will take more than the other in the relationship and this can be easily absorbed in the family dynamic if it is not the norm.
This also includes pursuits in fitness, education and enjoyment. This life is more than mechanically going through the motions. We are part of an eternal plan built on the premise of growth and development.
Consider how different the rising generation would be if they saw their parents pursuing health activities, skill refinement and wholesome recreation on a regular and consistent basis. Our children learn from us how to take care of themselves - so if we are imbalanced, they will be too.
The Marriage
It is important to understand that the union of the husband and wife came (or ought to come) before the introduction of the children and should remain after the children have moved on as adults. This is the model that God has created for us and is the most stable option available to us.
Additionally - God has commanded:
"Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt
cleave unto her and none else."
It is surprising how many parents "stick it out" until the kids leave home and then divorce once they are empty nesters. This is a result of a lack of balance - the parents had put the kids first and their spouse second.
Not only is this bad for the marriage, it is bad to teach the kids that they are the center of the universe. I often rebuke my children for trying to interrupt the conversation I am having with my wife. It isn't that I don't want to hear them or care about what they have to say, it is they need to know that the world does not stop for them. They have to wait their turn and be patient.
Overall
No one else can develop us, we must choose to better ourselves (and hopefully this includes submission to Christ's teachings). There are many that try to compensate for their insecurities by busying themselves with other's needs - this is not healthy. We must first ensure we are capable of taking care of ourselves - which may require assistance from the family and others as needed. Once we can sustain our individual health, then we can indulge in the fullness of family relationships.
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