Of Boys & Men

I have never been a fan of divisive lines that categorize people.  I learned this distaste from the Book of Mormon in a few chapters that cover the time of peace held by the ancient American inhabitants after Christ had visited them.

"There were no robbers, nor murderers, neither were there Lamanites, nor any manner of -ites; but they were in one, the children of Christ, and heirs to the kingdom of God."

I find that inspiring - I also find it as a road map to civility.  That is why I am never a fan of the people like "feminists" or "[Insert X] - American".  They separate people - creating schisms and highlighting differences with the sole purpose of debating them.  It is not helpful or healthy in the slightest, a desire for solution must be in each side of an argument if there is to be progress.

Having said that, there are some divisions that are natural and healthy - even required.  What I am referring to here, is gender.  Men and women - the genetic basis of all life that is not asexual.  I'm not a scientist, so I don't have much to say on the X's & Y's, but as a husband, father and man of faith - I have plenty.

There are things that are masculine and there are things that are feminine and there are things that are neutral.  Obviously, women have a vested interest in what is masculine and men have a similar interest in what is feminine - but it is not women's role to define what is masculine any more than it is man's to define what is feminine.

So - Called "War on Men"

I say this as I have found a disturbing trend develop over the past several years (or at least I have discovered it in that time-frame).  Many have spoke about it as a "war on men" - and solicit awareness from both genders.  I differ at that point.  It is not a war on "men" - it is a war on society.  Men are not some special interest group anymore than women are.  An attempt to marginalize either sex will result in an unbalanced society.

This has implications beyond what is expected of men, but this is a post on how men and boys are impacted by it.  Men do not need women in defining manhood to the rising generation.  Again, it is not for women to define what is masculine, therefore, women are not needed to secure it.  Men are needed.  Rather than explaining how pathetic we become as we emasculate ourselves in the search of faux equality, please read this joke of an article from one of the "men" I am describing.

A true man holds first himself accountable and then those around him.  In this generation of bumper sticker slogans fueled by communist failure and driven with the satanic intent to diminish the principles of masculinity - too many boys are raised by women (and men that wish they were women).  No, we do not need women to solve this, we need men.

What is Masculine?

When it comes to standards and expectations - we cannot use our own opinions.  My view of what is masculine is founded upon what I believe God has instructed through his prophets living today.  Years ago (before this document would have been considered radical) the Prophet and Quorum of the Twelve Apostles released a document titled "The Family: A Proclamation to the World".

It is important that this is defined, I am not adhering to my personal opinion - I am adhering to the precepts of deity.  One may disagree with my, but know that the disagreement is much more fundamental than the view of manhood.

The Proclamation states:

"ALL HUMAN BEINGS—male and female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny. Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose."

and:

"By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families."

The three "Ps" as my Father called them: Preside, Provide & Protect.  At some point, I firmly believe that all men will stand before our Savoir and recount our performance in these areas.  

Preside

This is the one where the feminists and emasculated men will complain the most over.  Their view of what presiding is has been distorted by evil and degenerate men and women that rule with spite in their respective spheres.  

Presiding is to have authority over - yes, but authority is not evil or loathsome.  It is a part of life.  The wife and children will look to the man for guidance in key decisions.  Naturally, he will solicit input from them in return, but he must be capable of this burden.  This requires confidence and experience in life - from both success and failures.  

In this role, the man can act as a shepherd for his family as Christ does for the church.  Guiding his loved ones to listen and adhere to the principles our Savior taught.  If he is not assertive or able to maintain control of his emotions - he will fail in this regard.  

If he fails, he will require his wife - the alleged love of his life - to absorb his duties as well as hers.  He will teach his children that men are not capable and that women must overcome their weaknesses.  This is seen today, as men withdraw selfishly from the family, the world begins to leave them behind.  

Again - we need men to solve this issue.  

Provide

It is true that society has evolved past our ancestral times of hunting & gathering.  Any walk (er drive...) down to the mall will show that we have plenty of food and basic needs provided for here in America - as also evidenced by our gluttonous lifestyles resulting in obscene levels of obesity.  

So what is a man to provide?  Many that advocate that the men are no longer required reference the amount of women now earning as much or more than their husbands.  Such as here, or here or the article I referred to earlier in the blog.  

Their argument misses the fundamental point that it is for the man to provide - not the woman.  This actually has everything to do with capacity as well, women are much more capable nurturers for children than men are.  If they fulfill the role of the provider, something they are not as adequate at, they are now requiring that the man now nurture for the children - something they are not as adequate at.  

Women naturally want a man that can provide for the needs of them and their children.  This is an actual element of attraction women have (some fun reads on that here and here).  This is a result of the way God has designed the family unit.  

Men do not need to be rich to be found attractive, they need to prove stability.  This is what a woman seeking an environment that she may nurture will desire.  How can she nurture something that is not sustainable?

Again, we need men to solve this problem.  

Protect

Once a man provides a home - he must be able to protect it.  There is a natural inclination to think of physical defense from robbers or men intending to defame his wife or daughter(s) - but this is not limited to that.  It is true, a man must be able to protect his loved ones from wicked people, but these situations are rare and not worth extensive discussion.  

The family must also be protected from encroachment of freedoms, from belittlement of emotionally stinted bullies at school and from individual trials.  A man must be involved in society - seeking to better it, ensuring that not only is his home stable, but the community it is a part of.  

As children grow, they must learn how to defend themselves from emotional as well as physical assaults.  Pain and adversity is a part of life, sadly, the developmental years of a child provide plenty to learn from.  A father is to teach a son when it is appropriate to fight and when it is best to walk away.  He is to teach his children how to know that they are of worth - regardless of what other kids may say.  

If a child fails, the father is to teach him why he failed and how he can correct it.  This way, the father protects from future failures.  

It is important to note that protection is not sheltering.  One day, each child will reach the legal age of adult (legal as not all children reach adulthood) and will have to face the world.  Protecting children includes teaching them to be aware of what the world has - both good and bad - and ensuring that they are ready for the challenge.  

And again - this is something where men must step up and solve.  

Summary

Men have failed themselves and society by forsaking the precepts of manhood.  We have decided to allow women to dictate how to act, which is not correct.  Men are confrontational - this is a good thing as nothing good came without a confrontation.  

As men, we must learn to first submit to God and then follow the Savior's example in leading boys to manhood.  As we do so, the women in our lives will be relieved of the burdens they unjustly bear due to our failures and we will experience the stability God has promised us.  

Ok, it can be about you sometimes...

I think one of the best parenting decisions my wife and I made was having a bed time for our first child.  It set the expectation of when my wife and I could have time for us.

We didn't think the rule was that significant, when our son was 2 months old, we would go through the diaper / feeding / burping routine at 7 in the evening and put him down in his crib (in his own room).  Then, we would close the door and let him figure it out.  For the first several weeks, he cried bloody murder for the first hour or so but as time went on, his body adjusted and he would get groggy around that time.

As he got older, the middle of the night feedings went away and my wife and I had time together without kids (if I was home from school & work) everyday.  It was great.  Enter some of the other couples we knew in college, they had kids staying up until midnight - ruling their every minute together.  They were always tired, always looking for a moment of solace.

Often couples would ask us what the secret phrase or action would be to get our kids to go to sleep around 7.  We would tell them what we did and almost always they would say it would be too hard to hear their child cry to do that.  It would be too stressful.  Or - they would just stare blankly at us, clearly not believing us.

Time progressed and we repeated the action with our daughter.  We saw the same issue with other families as I began my career in the Marine Corps.  This was also the first time we met other families that had set boundaries such as ours, however.

It was a visible difference in the families that had boundaries, especially with the parents and their marriage.

Self

Relationships vary based on the individual ones, but the ones that are the most stable & sustainable are the ones where each individual is a complete person and equal contributor to it.  This is the same with marriages, unless each person is fully committed to the relationship, with a complete self, it will be rocky.

This can be seen when spouse is addicted to work, projects, pornography, alcohol, buying, and so on.  There is something missing in that person's life and so they fill it with detrimental actions - which will impede the health of the marriage.

Granted, there are times when one spouse will take more than the other in the relationship and this can be easily absorbed in the family dynamic if it is not the norm.

This also includes pursuits in fitness, education and enjoyment.  This life is more than mechanically going through the motions.  We are part of an eternal plan built on the premise of growth and development.

Consider how different the rising generation would be if they saw their parents pursuing health activities, skill refinement and wholesome recreation on a regular and consistent basis.  Our children learn from us how to take care of themselves - so if we are imbalanced, they will be too.

The Marriage

It is important to understand that the union of the husband and wife came (or ought to come) before the introduction of the children and should remain after the children have moved on as adults.  This is the model that God has created for us and is the most stable option available to us.

Additionally - God has commanded:

"Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else."

The key message here - if we are to love our spouse with our whole heart, this places them ahead of our children.  I know, shocking! But contrary to the common emotional discussions, our spouse should be our first priority after God.

It is surprising how many parents "stick it out" until the kids leave home and then divorce once they are empty nesters.  This is a result of a lack of balance - the parents had put the kids first and their spouse second.

Not only is this bad for the marriage, it is bad to teach the kids that they are the center of the universe.  I often rebuke my children for trying to interrupt the conversation I am having with my wife.  It isn't that I don't want to hear them or care about what they have to say, it is they need to know that the world does not stop for them.  They have to wait their turn and be patient.

Overall

No one else can develop us, we must choose to better ourselves (and hopefully this includes submission to Christ's teachings).  There are many that try to compensate for their insecurities by busying themselves with other's needs - this is not healthy.  We must first ensure we are capable of taking care of ourselves - which may require assistance from the family and others as needed.  Once we can sustain our individual health, then we can indulge in the fullness of family relationships.