Smoke & Mirrors

I have always been able to read people, it has led to some interesting experiences, but I have noticed some trends that make me concerned as a parent.  There has been so much focus on the feel good, ignore failure 'cause you are special crap - that some people actually believe it to the point they live their life that way.

This is all made easier with online interactions - suddenly the 14 year old that is claiming "rich people suck and Stalin had the answer!" is a relevant contributor to a political conversation.  Or the 30 year old who has never accomplished anything other than a high score on a game can be a professional career mentor on how to feel good about yourself while sticking it to the man!

I have found that people are naturally good at identifying risks with their sub-conscious as they become the most vile and aggressive at the points that threaten the lie they love to live the most.  I see the roots of these problems in children.  For instance, my son loves super heroes - often he acts out them.  Several years ago, it was always just "cute" as he would pretend to run as fast as the Flash or build an Iron Man suit out of cardboard.  Now, however, as he gets older, I have started correcting him when I get the feeling that he thinks he is better than he is.

I know it is common for us to imagine the unstoppable successes available to us - and I support that drive within us.  I have relied on it to obtain many of the feats I have in my life, but there is a difference in arrogant self-worship and aspiration to your best.  A fine line that I am sure I cross routinely and have decided that other people ought to judge for themselves if they view me arrogant or honest.

When it comes to society, however, I find that many live in a false sense of humility - while ensuring all know that they are the most capable gift God has provided to the world.

The Internet

I saw a post the other day online that showed a meme from Einstein stating that if you couldn't explain something simply, then you didn't understand it.  A profound concept that I agree with completely.

There were only a few comments on it when I saw it, and they made me laugh at their immaturity and they illustrate my thought rather well:

The red and pink outlined boxes went back and forth several times, never complementing the other, but agreeing with each other while complementing themselves.  "I understand the basics of all three his major papers" - I mean, that isn't even grammatically accurate.  Everyone will have grammar errors, but this is elementary.  

Or how about the other one referring to "Old Bert" as if there is some form of familiarity.  This while ignoring the fact that his role model refuted his concepts of atheism.  Einstein was no Christian or Jew, this is certain - but he was also not an atheist, rather his views of the Supreme were impersonal.   

I am sure that someone who understood so much of the universe would find it difficult to think that such a creator would care for something so insignificant as a single human.  A miracle that is lost on those of us who live in false views of self-importance.  

Yet - here these two neanderthals are, complementing themselves on their superiority while abusing the quote and the man they feel they can extract a feeling of import from.  I looked at their profiles as both were so arrogant as to brashly post all things personal to the world without sense of privacy.  Both are over 50, single and without family.  Their posts consisted of them quoting themselves during their epic online battles and posts congratulating themselves in their loneliness while they drowned in alcohol.

If they were so wise, so superior, why are they so alone?

Dating

I went on 3 dates in high school, that's it, just 3.  I went to plenty of dances and parties, but only ever had 3 actual dates.  I was focused on working and preparing for my mission for my church, which began a few days after my 19th birthday and ended 2 years later.

I went to college about 3 weeks after I came home from my mission and decided I would date until I found someone who gave me a reason to stop looking.  As a result, I rarely ate alone for the next many months - many viewed me as a player (especially after I had 3 dates on the same Saturday).

I was not, however.  I was looking for a wife and was not sure what I wanted in one.  I was inexperienced in dating and unsure of what I should want.  Which is why I asked out as many girls as I could.  Naturally, I had started with the girls with the most "wow" factor - you know, the ones that have the perfect hair & makeup, all the guys stop and stare at.  It didn't take me long to realize that they weren't dating me, however, they were show-casing themselves.

They were often late for a date, something that culturally we are supposed to accept - despite the fact that tardiness is a profound disrespect.  They would then spend the first portion of the date complaining about how they couldn't find anything to wear and they hoped they didn't look to frumpy.  In other words, "I feel really insecure about myself so I will manipulate you into complementing me so I can brag about it to my insecure roomies later."

Now, I never went on movie dates, they were always meals, walks, hiking, canoeing, etc.  So girls like these, I usually had a meal and ended it there.  We would get to the restaurant and they would prance in front of me, ensuring to draw the gazes from other guys there before sitting down.  Our conversations were interrupted constantly with their need to primp more in the bathroom or complain about some wardrobe concern.

That is when I realized that these girls were just that, girls.  They were defined by insecurities and rather than addressing them, they would seek to force others to complement them and compensate for it.

Contrast that to when I met my wife, she never fished for complements or apologized for her appearance.  She still doesn't wear makeup all that much, in truth, she doesn't need it and never has.  She was never late to our dates and she never cared what other guys thought of her, she prepared herself to look well for her and for me - no one else.

She was comfortable to go on outdoor dates as well as just sit and talk the afternoon away - there was never a dull moment.  She was a woman looking for a man to start a family with - she was confident in her own image and life decisions.

She helped me realize that much of dating is doomed from the start as people are so driven to make an appearance of something other than themselves.  Most of the girls I dated never understood who I was or what I was looking for - they had created some idea of who I was and they acted to impress that idea.  All they ever accomplished in doing so was ensuring I spent as little time with them as possible.  I only ended one date mid-meal, so at least most were bearable enough for the 45 minutes it takes to eat out...

Summary

Essentially, all too often in life we live a false image of ourselves and the social norms require others to appease this aspect of our lives.  This is never healthy - not in our professional careers or our personal pursuits.

We must realize that each of us are equal in our insignificance and yet so profoundly precious to that God which gave us life.  No matter how fancy our car is or run down our home is, we are all brothers and sisters, children of the God of the universe.  We have a short time here on earth to define who we will be for the eternities, let us use that time wisely with honest introspect that leads to growth and joy vice squandering it on lies that only disappoint.  

The Not so Little, Little Things

My wife and I often find ourselves laughing at how hilarious our kids are.  They are a class act by themselves, but add them together and it is guaranteed comedy!  I find myself truly enjoying the process of getting to know them as they continue to learn more of themselves.

I remember the not so distant past where I would wander the church halls or stand back in what I call "Dad's Corner" (you know that corner in Sunday School and Sacrament, the one where all the Dad's are trying to give their wives a few hours of sanity) - I did not actually enjoy being a parent then.

Yes, my children were special to me.  No, I did not know what to do with them.  I used to get angry at people that would come over to offer more of the never-ending, unwanted advice.  The ones I grew most tired of, were those that told me I would miss the days of diapers and vomit and screaming.

Truly, I don't miss it at all.  Nope, not even a bit.  It's a lie - the baby years are not the best of my parenting time, they were the penance I paid.  My kids are awesome to hang out with now as they can speak their minds, express interests and learn new things with me.  I sincerely look forward to their older years as well, I have fond memories of doing many things with my parents in my teen years and hope to make similar memories with my children.

The Foundation

I think (purely theory as my oldest turns 9 this year...) that by learning to do the little things now with my kids, I will have a relationship that will support communication with them in their teen years.

My wife and I were talking the other night how our kids tend to bombard us with menial announcements such as:

"I have a pink sheep on Minecraft!" 

or 

"I beat my Transformers score by 20 points!"

Naturally, they pick ideal times to reveal the life changing milestones, like when I am on the phone with a client or my wife is debating a fallacious charge on our medical bill (seriously, check your medical bills, we find many on them).

Of course, my wife and I see how minuscule such accomplishments are - all adults should have actual achievements that have increased value to self and community.  My children, on the other hand, are not capable to distinguishing life's accomplishments and entertainment in a game at this point, however.  They are the same thing.

This is why it is important to put these laughable announcements at the forefront of our day.  I enjoy saying prayers with my kids at night as they take me through the magical day of discovery they just had.  Such a precious view they have - everything is new and innocent.

Why it Matters

Children are now being exposed to serious issues at my children's ages - pornography, language, violence & other satanic goals are glorified by our culture as we rabidly banish Christ from it.  Their tender minds and emotions are not yet ready to process all that is in our culture, but our society does not care.  The children are the next line in this cultural war - following the teachings of Hitler, those that stand against family and religion seek to warp the next generation's minds and turn them on their parents.

I don't know what lies ahead in their lives, but I know that if I don't show to them that every accomplishment in their life is valid to me, they will not be comfortable in speaking with me when something is embarrassing or shameful.  Consider the implications of teaching your child that something he achieved is not as relevant as your current task - how will that child feel when he feels he has failed?  Will he be comfortable in speaking with you or will he assume you are too busy to help him?

How are we any better?

As with all things, God & Christ are the supreme examples.  How are we any different than our children to Him?  How minuscule are our concerns and accomplishments compared to what is on His agenda?  With having a universe to run, He still makes time to hear our prayers and comfort us in times of need.  He guides us through our options in life, not because they are significant - but because we are significant.

Sufficient in friends?

I was born in a small town in Washington state, but the only memories I have of it are a few school days and a park where my brother and I would climb a cliff near a golf course.  I still chuckle at our Mom's reaction when she came with us once and we showed her what we did.

I don't remember much of it as our family moved nearly every year.  Due to my Dad's career and educational requirements, we were rather nomadic throughout my developing years.  My parents have now returned to that quaint town as a college professors.

Driven Siblings:

My wife, kids and I visited them last fall and I remember a discussion I had with my Mom that has given me pause.  But first, some context of what we were discussing

My brother had a very demanding, classified job for the alphabet soups before deciding he wanted to settle down and change careers.  Naturally, he decided to be a doctor - cause that's how people settle down!

As for me, I joined the Marine Corps right out of college, earned my MBA while serving and now work for one of the largest consulting firms in the world in a leadership role.

My kid sister is studying to become a PA.

You look at these and and then consider the difference of what most people in a small, quaint town do.  Most work on the fruit farms or cattle ranches in the area.  Sales jobs for phone and software companies are common as well.

None of this is an indication of their work ethic or ability to work - rather a common trend among all people of staying where they were raised.  It is the same for big city folk, just replace the agricultural jobs with fast food and Starbucks.

What would have been?

My parents have often expressed regret over how much they moved with us.  For me, we had moved so I started my freshman year in a new town and then returned to a town we had once lived for my senior year.  The longest we were ever in one place was 5 years in a row.

But as my Mom and I were talking that day, she wondered if the moving drove us to the careers we have - breaking the normal cycle of settling for what is local.  My career choices have moved my wife and I more than a dozen times in our 10 years of marriage - a price most are not willing to pay.  It creates an unusual advantage for me in my pursuit of increased responsibility and correlating pay.

That day, my Mom and I wondered if it would have been so if my parents had made different choices and stayed in that small, peaceful town.  It was an interesting conversation - but no one will ever really know in the "what if's" we inflict upon ourselves.

Regardless, I am happy with who I am and where my life is headed.

Other points

What I have thought about, however, is the concept of friends.  One truth that was hard for a young boy to learn was that people do not care about those that are not immediately near them.  As we moved, I would seek to maintain friends via letters (the thought, pre-FB days!) and if we were in old towns I would ask my parents to see if we could stop by.  Sad truth was, most had forgotten about me by the end of summer and had filled their friend requirement with someone there.

Then, at the new schools, I would find that people are not interested in new friends.  It became increasingly difficult as the years went on to find people willing to add a new friend to the mix.  I did have a few, treasured friends that I have stayed in touch with, however.  Happily, I was able to re-connect with my oldest friend earlier this year.

The conversation with my Mom had planted this seed, making me wonder about those I had shared such happy and hard times with.  It also makes me wonder about what the future holds for my children.

A dad's view:

When I look at my two children.  My daughter is the definition of a social butterfly - it is just natural to her.  She has such an engaging personality that it is hard to not laugh around her.

My son, on the other hand, is much more like me.  Friendship seems a bit harder to find for him as he sits alone in a group.  He already has his first bully, a young kid that is flashy and cool to the other kids and for some reason singles my son out.  Not that my son acts that much differently than the other kids in his cub scout troop, but for some reason this defective boy has an issue with him.

I watched my son at a pine wood derby this past weekend, he was sitting next to the other boys, having fun until this bully came over.  The nasty puke deliberately sat down between my son and the other boys - preventing him from interacting with them.

My son stays positive, stating that he will be nice still.  I am proud of the man is becoming at this rate.  It makes me wonder, however, if he will ever have more than the one or two precious friends like what I had growing up.

Don't misunderstand me, I don't mean to martyr myself or my son, but there is a correlation to growing up to be a good, determined man and loneliness.  Many of the most successful people grew up ostracized - I think that contributed to their success.

I do not envy the popular guy that is now living the life expected of him (I have seen a few from my past on social networking sites - many are miserable, divorced and racing to the bottom of society now).  I have never followed the normal rules as I am not normal.  Most people aren't, but I find most are afraid to acknowledge that fact.

Life lessons

My concern, is for my son's coming years - the pain that comes with these lessons learned.  I remember the loneliest night I have had on this earth, I have only ever talked about it once or twice, but I learned from it and the days around it have guided my adult years - reliance in my God and Savoir is enough in this life.

It does not matter what anyone thinks of us - ourselves included.  We are each a child of God - a perfect God that knows us more personally than we will ever understand.  There are times of loneliness in this life - even Christ felt this way.  If Christ, God's chosen redeemer and only perfect child, felt lonely, what makes us think we will not at some point?

What I am saying is that, I hope my son learns to rely on God when he is lonely.  As much as I wish I could always be there for him, I will not be.  I am a fallen man with an expiration date - but his relationship with his Savoir and Father in Heaven, that is always there in every moment of his life.

Friends will come and go - the few will stay, but our only source of complete companionship for all things is our relationship with our Heavenly Father through the miracle of Christ's sacrifice by the presence of the Holy Ghost.

If we maintain that relationship, all others will fall in place.  Marriages will be improved and we will be the friend our friends deserve.   We will never be alone or without support - regardless if we move or stay put.